layout

the first time I made the calendar, it was november, 2000, and I laid it out on my living room floor while listening to "red hot & blue" over and over and over again. this was in mississippi, in an ugly, ranch style house. the kids were asleep in our bedroom. when mbd got home I got him to lay out the recipe page for me.

the second time, it was on the living/bedroom room floor of our little shotgun double on pacific avenue, with the kids asleep in the bunkbeds behind me, the tv on all night long, and at five AM I watched that show, you know, with brett butler as a single mom? grace under fire! yep. before that I watched/listened to a couple of episodes of the nanny. it was cable-free livin.

the third time... I remember nothing in particular about layout. I know I did it upstairs on my bedroom floor, the big house where we live now, the kids asleep in the bunkbeds, I'll bet I had the tv on. cable.

last year, the fourth time, I said to myself, damn, I'm not gonna kill my back with that, I'm doing it downstairs on the table, and besides, mbd's sister was staying with us and during the cold snap we had her and her baby as well as my kids and me sleeping in the upstairs bedroom because downstairs doesn't really get any of the heat, doesn't keep it anyway. and I did it in two nights. I tried to do it in one and felt like a big sissy for not being able to. I listened to music and I can't remember what. I was freezing.

this year I'm sure I'll do some of each - table and floor. I'll have the house to myself for 48 hours! so I won't feel all panicky to get it done before the kids wake up. when I get that wave of self-loathing at the 11th hour and feel like, oh god, how embarrassing, this is hideous and I'm a joke and people will only buy it because they pity me, I'll just go to bed. I'll have so much time. I hope, I hope, I hope that this all works out.

I need to lay in the snacks. and the dvds.

active, creative resistance

in the interest of channeling my feelings about the election into something constructive, I am working on making this year's mama calendar into an expression of active resistance.

you may have already seen my call for submissions (and orders!) around the web, but I am passing it on again, and adding a special request. this will be the first of my calendars with a defined theme beyond celebrating progressive mamas & their kin. I want to place an emphasis on parents as activists, and all of the ways that that plays out, with words and picures relating to what it means to be an activist parent, what it means to build a family-inclusive radical movement (thanks to M*A*M*A for that phrasing), and all of the ways that parenthood informs our activism and vice versa.

so, yes, as always I want your beautiful pictures of children & families at protests but I want to go beyond, that, too, I want to dig deeper and I want to include numerous resource lists, I want the calendar to function as a calendar, yes, and a thing of beauty but also a guide for functioning in a year of resistance (not the first and not the last, but one of many). I am thinking of stories and images of youth activism, for example, and of images and stories of and from the M*A*M*A collective in NYC. these are just jumping off places.

the standard call for submissions is here, along with complete ordering information and photos from last year's edition. let me know how you can help give this project shape, and please do pass this around.

thursday

from the league of pissed off voters:

• The League hereby declares November 4th, 2004 a National Day of Love and Sustainability. Take care of yourselves and each other. We're in this for life.

so funny I forgot to laugh

ha!
at the last minute, nash has chosen to be pee wee herman for halloween! I'm so proud. we got him a grey suit and white shirt... he still needs a red bowtie and what, white keds? and I want to make the helmet somehow...


he's going to walk his bike as a prop.

I am thinking posession of a digital camera should be required for admission to this halloween soiree I'm throwing.

meanwhile, we got liam a good hat and eyepatch for his captain hook. not that I've ever seen the captain with an eyepatch, but he wants one. he has this great cloth hook, I think it actually came from a happy meal last year when the new peter pan came out. we have an assortment of piratey things with which to embellish him.

and me, well, I had this moment of I'll be Miss Yvonne after all! or Dottie! but I couldn't find the right things for either of those ladies, so I'm kinda stuck with my cowgirl thing. which is FINE. I need a gunbelt.

yesterday

Nash, while eating his breakfast, has lined up my five how to get stupid white men out of office bookmarks in a row and is reading/singing them over and over again, line by line, as in

HOW to get HOW to get HOW to get HOW to get HOW to get
stupid white MEN! stupid white MEN! stupid white MEN! stupid white MEN! stupid white MEN!
out of offfffffice, out of offffice, out of offfffice, out of offfffice, out of offfffffice...

it's pretty amazing.

I have to go to the bank, the grocery store, and to work. to My Office. week before last I spent an entire day reconfiguring my office and it's lovely. I got my new computer in there and arranged things in such a way that there is a lot of open space for coming in and browsing the bookshelves, space for sitting and working at a table and desk, and then, back in the corner, a cozy little cubbyhole for me to sit and use the computer, surrounded by plants. it's very me. it just needs a paint job. well, and a new floor. but I can't keep waiting around for these things.

a few of my favorite things

a pixies show and thai food? well, yeah...

I am Indie Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

I'm going to wichita

liam woke me up by singing the bass line to 7 nation army.
then he said something hilarious that I forgot as soon as I fell back to sleep.

whatever it was, it reminded me of the funniest thing nash ever said to me, it was a couple of years ago,
one day when we got on the ferry on a hot, hot day, and we walked toward the part with the air conditioning
and he said, "yeah, let's go in to the condish." the condish! cracked me right up.yesterday we were listening
to bob marley in the car and nash was belting out jammin, the first song he ever sang, and I was reminiscing
(but not out loud) about how when he was two he sang it, "FUCKshawahwahwah!"

the first song that liam sang was tony's theme.

I need a baby book that records these things!

right now they're playing the games on the harry potter chamber of secrets dvd.

it's stormy and grey out, just like I like it.


You are Fluffy Mackerel Pudding!! You somehow
manage to combine seafood and dessert into your
wonderfully fluffy world. We should all be as
tolerant of New Taste Sensations. And of
big-yolked eggs.

What Weight Watchers recipe card from 1974 are you?
brought to you by quizilla

new orleans ladies

remember that song? here's some news for you:

7th ANNUAL NEW ORLEANS DYKE MARCH!
Friday October 8th, 2004
Kicking off New Orleans 25th Annual Pridefest Celebration!
7pm - PRE-MARCH RALLY - Jackson Square in the French Quarter, corner of St. Ann and Chartres Streets.
Drumming by Sisterbeat, fire performances, mixing and mingling!
8pm - MARCH - Steps off from Jackson Square at 8pm sharp and routes through the French Quarter
ending at One Eyed Jacks at 615 Toulouse St.
9pm - DYKESTRAVAGANZA: DYKE MARCH AFTER PARTY, One Eyed Jacks (615 Toulouse Street).
5 DJs - St. Blaize (Dallas, TX), 4renZic (NOLA), Beat Grrl (NOLA), Mags (NOLA), and Missy (Biloxi, MS)!
Go-Go Dancers, Kissing Booth, roving Drag Kings and who knows what else!
$2-20 sliding scale donation at the door (no dyke turned away for lack of funds).
18 and over. Don't miss the biggest dyke party of the year!
For further info and updates on all Dyke March events, visit www.dykemarchnola.com.

AND...we had so much fun last week that we're doing it again:Dyke-It-Yourself! Part Two!
Come make your own t-shirt or other wearable item for the New Orleans Dyke March at a D.I.Y.
T-Shirt Making Party! Bring your own T's, tanks, button-downs or other customizable clothing - whatever
you want - and we'll provide supplies for you to speak your mind!! Stencils, iron-on letters, puff paint, markers,
glitter - maybe even a Bedazzler! - and other fun crafty stuff to make yourself stand out in a crowd!! We'll also have
supplies to make signs/posters and noisemakers for use at the march.(If you have spare cans or bottles - plastic or
aluminum - sitting around the house, bring 'em to make noisemakers!)Surely with the state of our country and politics
today, and with the election right around the corner, you have something to say!! So come say it!!! Speak your mind!
Express yourself!
Sunday (tomorrow), October 3rd, 2004
Lesbian and Gay Community Center of New Orleans
2114 Decatur Street in the Marigny (back room/courtyard)
3 -5pm after Marshal Training (which is at 2pm)
more info: http://www.dykemarchnola.com

I have a little cold this weekend.
scratchy throat, achey head, sniffly nose.

so, I am missing all this good stuff:
diy dyke march t-shirt making party/le tigre listening party!
league of pissed off voters meeting!
caribbean dinner/dance fest at the uu church!

I'm cranky and annoyed.

on friday, we spent time with the kids around the corner,
my very kind neighbors who will be taking nash & liam
overnight while I get my groove back at the dyke march,
and we were taking about how much we kinda wish that
we were moving to seattle. except that I do love it here.
and the way that I love seattle is kinda stupid, I mean, it
was 1986 the one and only time I was there, but I stayed
for nearly a week and I loved it, god, it just amazed me,
that place. on the other hand, 1986 me thought it'd be
heaven to live in a crusty apartment in the center of little
five points in atlanta so, who knows... I'd be into having
yantra & sal for my neighbors, though, as well as rachel &
her collection of kids.
and of course, the way that I love new
orleans is kinda stupid, too. or maybe it's just that love is kinda
stupid. blind stupid. selectively blind.

meanwhile, I made this quiz, complete with typos. the cells and stuff aren't workimg, but you can cut & paste it into wherever you want to put it I guess.:

saturday, uh... six, I guess.
is there a movie that you watch to cheer yourself up when you're sad? does it work?
if you had to get it on with either bill pullman, jeff bridges or, uh, that other actor who looks like a cross between the two of them, (you now, he was in purple rose of cairo and something wild and possibly dumb & dumber) who would you choose?
what if your choices were karen allen, debra winger or blair brown?
what do you like to comsume when you have a cold, what do you eat or drink to feel better? does it work?
which of the following tv shows, that I have never seen, do you think I'm really missing out on, and why? the A team, the gilmore girls, sex & the city, the sopranos, green acres, dawson's creek, the simple life, survivor... that's all I can think of right now.
what would be the biggest hassle for you as a superhero?
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

gee, who knew?


You're a punk rock mommy! DIY is probably your
motto, because you're a punk mama at heart.
Your kids are getting your independent spirit
and guts, and learning to solve problems
themselves. You love it when they show their
independence, even when it's breaking your
heart.

What kind of a freaky mother are you?

what have you done for me lately?

liam woke up at 7 with a bad dream that he didn't want to talk about.
then he asked me to bring him some cheese, saying, "I do things for you, why can't you do something for me?"
I don't know where that's coming from; I promise I never say that.
I said, "hmmm, what about when I carried you in my belly for nine months and then nursed you for two years?"
this morning was the first (but probably not the last) time I've played that card.
he gave a heavy sigh.
"not things you did for me when I was a baby, those things aren't what I'm talking about.
what about when we were at rowe camp, you didn't do anything for me at rowe camp, ever.
now can I have some cheese?"

in a word, no.

the first song that Nash ever wrote was a mournful country-blues tune
with harmonica accompaniment and it went:

where are you
I'm crying
the train is coming

he was two and a half. it was late november. in four months time he had
gained a baby brother, seen me hospitalized twice (I walked in to give
birth but I was carried off on a stretcher when the pancreatitis struck me
down six weeks later), and moved away from home to stay with my parents
in mississippi. at my parents' house, he'd pace circles into the floor, playing
his harmonica while I sat and nursed the baby. when the train came by,
every few hours, he'd lean out the open window and count the cars.

where are you
I'm crying
the train is coming

I want to thank you for putting me back in my snailshell

ah, central air conditioning. my own filthy keyboard.

a stack of unopened, overdue bills.

an incontinent dog. two children glued to cartoon network.

every calendar in the house still open to july.

home!

Riding on the City of New Orleans,
Illinois Central Monday morning rail
Fifteen cars and fifteen restless riders,
Three conductors and twenty-five sacks of mail.
All along the southbound odyssey
The train pulls out at KankakeeRolls
along past houses, farms and fields.
Passin' trains that have no names,
Freight yards full of old black men
And the graveyards of the rusted automobiles.

when I got on board yesterday evening in chicago at 8 PM (spot on time), I had $4, half of a chicken burrito, a bottle of water & two kashi go lean bars, one unread book, several already or mostly read books & zines, lotsa dirty clothes, extremely dirty hair, smelly feet, and four hours of sleep under my belt. which is not enough for me. sleep, that is.

Good morning America how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

I don't regret sitting up late sunday night talking with sal & yantra, at all. spending time with them was the highlight of my weekend, even if I did forget to say thanks for dinner (thanks for dinner, lady mamas). I don't regret my decision to take a 7 AM bus to chicago on monday morning instead of a sunday evening free ride. coming all that way, I needed that extra time with friends to make the trip worthwhile. I had imagined, though, that I'd be able to sleep on the bus trip. how was I to know that I'd wind up with two tedious woman-girls sitting behind me, on their way to some fucking theater camp in madison and singing the whole damn way. fucking fuckers.

Dealin' card games with the old men in the club car.
Penny a point ain't no one keepin' score.
Pass the paper bag that holds the bottle
Feel the wheels rumblin' 'neath the floor.
And the sons of pullman porters
And the sons of engineers
Ride their father's magic carpets made of steel.
Mothers with their babes asleep
Are rockin' to the gentle beat
And the rhythm of the rails is all they feel.

I went to sleep early, before midnight, and even though I was hungry, I forgot to finish that burrito. I finished ariel gore's new book as soon as I got on, and then started tony hillerman's second.on the ride up I was so cold and uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep more than a few miserable hours. I kept dreaming about being locked out in the snow.on the way back, it was just as cold but I was more tired. I wore two t-shirts (1 long sleeved), one button down shirt and a sweater, jeans, socks, shoes, and I was still freezing. I pulled out a long skirt from my bag and used it as a short blanket, but my only good sleep came once the sun came up and warned me through the window.

Good morning America how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

at 10 AM, just after I'd used the toilet, brushed my teeth, run some water through my hair, used face wipes on my face and feet (!), and put on clean socks, I went into the lounge and watched Spiderman. what a lot of killing.all the toddlers in the lounge (3) ragefully resisted sleep. and I found their carrying on strangely soothing.I missed my kids.

Nighttime on The City of New Orleans,
Changing cars in Memphis, Tennessee.
Half way home, we'll be there by morning
Through the Mississippi darkness
Rolling down to the sea.
And all the towns and people seem
To fade into a bad dream
And the steel rails still ain't heard the news.
The conductor sings his song again,
The passengers will please refrain
This train's got the disappearing railroad blues.

I hate to say it but I am kind of over the train right now. trained out. if I had it to do over, I'd totally fly to minneapolis. I'd still take my summer's other two train trips... assuming all goes well on friday when we get on board bound for DC.I have relished the peace and opportunity to read on my previous child-free train trips, but this time I was uncomfortable and the time dragged. I could not turn my brain off - I was either worrying about all of the things I have to accomplish in three days time when I get home, how I'll manage the DC train trip, how my mama gathering workshops would go (on the way up), or (on the way down) reliving every word I said during the weekend and wishing I'd been, depending on the situation, smarter, clearer, kinder, more concise, or, sometimes, just completely, wisely silent.

Good night, America, how are you?
Don't you know me I'm your native son,
I'm the train they call The City of New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

we got in on time at 3:30. liam and nash both ran to hug me and be kissed, let me smell their hair and hold them tight. they're bickering and being monstrous and I don't give much of a fuck. I have bathed. I went to see rosana for a few hours. I am exhausted. I have much more to say positive & negative, about the weekend, but this is it for now.I feel pretty good.

(this is from tuesday night)

liam is having an impromptu overnight. nash is excitedly doing double digit addition problems. he has just discovered the concept of carrying the one. we ate a post-king fu dinner with rosana & family.
I should be writing and I am so not feeling it. I want to just tell all my stuff into the tape recorder and send that out to the world, in an envelope with a few photos.

meanwhile, I enjoyed taking this:

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

a few looks at our two weeks in california

Nash at venice beach on wednesday, june 23


and this is Liam aquiescing to a photo with our friend Dorie





the beach itself was windy and I was freezing.









a week later, we went to the labrea tar pits.


this is my favorite store name ever: ethical drugs

but I do wanna put out there, even though I'm inarticulate from lack of sleep, that william upski wimsatt was tremendous and got me good and fired up for the upcoming elections. it feels possible now.
check it out: the league of pissed off voters

yo ho

we got into the new orleans station at ten til 8 this morning. we'd been scheduled to arrive at 8:30 last night. I'm exhausted from a night of fitful half-sleep, afraid we might miss our stop and wake up in orlando. at 3, I had to get up and rescue my glasses from inside the workings of the bed/chair. I'm lucky they weren't mangled.

I can't really say much about the trip until I've had some rest. and a high quality shower. I had a short one first thing, but I couldn't escape from the kids long enough to get serious and wash my hair. I still have beach hair. stiff.

I'm not leaving the house today unless it catches fire. the kids and I just watch pirates of the caribbean.

I wish I had some pad thai. or flautas. a gyro would be nice.

gee, why do people keep telling me this?

from here

You are an SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a dictator. You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.
You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.
Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.
You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

greetings from the edge of hollywood

we left long beach (where we'd been attending the uu general assembly) on tuesday afternoon and are back with our amazing, kind, generous hosts in the city.

we were scheduled to get on our train last night, but get this: due to a freight train collision and derailment in texas, my train has been cancelled. har, har. what a capital T trip this is/has been/will continue to be. after a whole day of limbo (which I hated - I really don't enjoy limbo), we are booked onto the friday noght train with high hopes of no further amtrak snafu action. if all reasonable amtrak options (reasonable meaning a)not the fucking bus and b) getting us home by sunday) had failed us, we would have got our money back and got on a plane. which I didn't want. which I fully admit that I fear, even though I know all of the everything about statistics and safety and yada yada yada.
meanwhile, my mother and my official Oldest Old Friend (that is to say, the person I've known longest, who is not a blood relative, and who is still my friend)(we've been friends since 1982 and although there was a period of 1996-7 when we were totally NOT friends, we're friends now I think it still counts), mark, rented a car yesterday and we set off with our friend jon for roscoe's chicken and waffles to eat, take pictures, buy tacky souvenirs and such.
I'm thinking (since I never did manage to get into the cybercafe in long beach) that I haven't posted about my roscoe's obsession. it's an offshoot of my john cusack obsession. if you don't know what I'm talking about, get thee a copy of tapeheads and watch it, now.
liam and I ate at roscoe's in long beach on sunday, and it was extra tasty, and just confirmed my need to go the original location in LA and tourist it up. alas, the wait for lunch yesterday was an hour at least, and we were mighty hungry, so we took a picture, bought t-shirts and then drove over to el conquistador on sunset to eat. which was excellent and I even a margartita - one which has been proclaimed the best in los angeles, no less.
I'll talk more about this later, but I have to say, before running off to attack my inbox, my time in long beach was really good and rewarding and meaningful and fun and I owe it all to kateadelle and her gorgeous partner, for taking such excellent care of my kids so that I could get into the program without guilt or worry. you two are the best.
this whole trip has been particularly successful in terms of, you know, F-U-N for me and the kids, and it's all due to good friends and kind people: sonja, dorie, alecia, kate, all of my rowe camp sweethearts, nash & liam's "uncles" jon & mark, everybody... big, big thanks and love to all of y'all.

today: sonja has this painting up on her site right now (collage-o-scope), "sonic nurse," it makes me so happy.

last night jeff said, if you're going to be here for two more days, we've got to get you out of the house to see the world. ha. even before I had children, I've always been the kind of houseguest who amazes my hosts with my level of sloth. I need downtime, now more than ever. but we will go out today, to the labrea tar pits (my strongest association of which comes from that scene in the forbidden zone) and the free children's space museum and the art museum and so on and so on.

nash and charlie are still loving on each other like mad. I have this fantasy of the two of them going to sleep away camp together next year. next year and for many years to come. I'm like, planning their wedding and everything.

each of them has gotten into real live reading this summer via their pokemon obsession. which is hilarious and amazing and weird and okay, I guess.

liam is having a good time telling stories to our hosts, but he has a hard time with feeling left out of the nash-charlie coupling. and he often expresses that with aggresion. which is hard to respond to in a patient, compassionate and constructive manner. jeff & sonja manage to, though. their parenting is amazing. it's like, I know how to say the words but they engage in the empathetic (is it empathetic or empathic?) response so much more sincerely and thoughtfully than I do, and the kids really feel that. I'm trying to soak up their calm.

last night we all turned in early - early compared to what we have been doing. around 10 for the 6-7 year olds, 11 for mighty, energetic, tenacious liam and my weary self.

I dreamed complicated, layered tales of crushes and longing and camp directing and office work. and snow.