Tuesday, March 30, 2004

seven oh six ay em.
I went to sleep at 9:30 last night. liam went to sleep during a story (peter pan) at 8, and then I read nash another chapter of harry potter & the chamber of secrets and sent him to settle down and let me read. and by 9:30 I was nodding off violently, doing that thing where you just give your eyes a little rest in the middle of the page...

I still get defensive about how much sleep I need. or, I've had a resurgence of defensiveness about it since hitting my thirties. it has nothing to do with age - I've needed to make sleep a priority since I was 18, since I spent a year as a semi-invalid with chronic fatigue. that year, I called myself an inVALid. and I felt like my life was over.

so I get defensive when folks talk about turning in early meaning that they, or I, are "old." for me, the only part age is playing is that I have the wisdom and deep investment in self-preservation thing going on. I know what it feels like to be sick all the time. and I know that if I get overtired, I will be mean, sad and ultimately, sick. so I make not getting overtired a priority.

but 9:30! wow. that's unusual. and I have these feelings of I should have been writing, I should have been cleaning, I should have been doing yoga... but I was sleeping. and I feel okay.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

oh right on!
and don't you forget it.

Pirate Monkey's Harry Potter Personality Quiz
Harry Potter Personality Quiz
by Pirate Monkeys Inc.
Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

Your dark exterior masks a caffeine driven activism. You'll take up a cause and you'll get ugly to advance it.

I knew I'd get this result, because I could tell that neither new orleans nor atlanta were options.
I love the chance to use "nor" in a sentence.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

liam's notorious "when you have to do what you have to do/you are my rock'n'roll person" song is on the audblog below.
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

last night, before bed, the combination of watching velvet goldmine and a conversation I had with rosana made me crave david bowie, and realize that oh yeah, I DO have a bowie CD now - my friend zack sent me one back in september. I am so used to thinking that all of my bowie is on vinyl, it's just a habit of the past 8 years or so to assume that I never get to listen to him anymore. and how I love him, like nobody's business. so the kids and I, we danced to david bowie and it was awesome. they were hilarious, taking turns imitating my dance style - "look, coleen, this is what you look like!" "no, this is what she looks like!" - apparently, I look ridiculous, but that's okay.
when we lived in mississippi, partly because we had a total lack of social life, every single evening after dinner, we'd dance our asses off, nash, liam and me. I'm thinking we should reconnect with that tradition.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

liam got up at 6. and raised hell. his favorite way to drive me insane is to whistle at me in the early morning hours. I finally turned on the tv and went back to sleep at 7. first I watched a few minutes of the awful show he was watching, for a change of pace from the othere awful early morning shows: TLC's animal jam. bizarre, the way they ahve all those kids in a studio looking like they're making an aerobics video or something. then I woke up for the last few minutes of magic schoolbus and by that time nash was up. I slept all through sesame street, woke up for good during during rolie polie olie.

but don't worry, strangers on the internet say I'm smart:

I am an Intellectual

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

my room makes up the entire upstairs portion of this house. being a camel-back, it has a second story that is stuck on like an afterthought, and as such it has windows on all four sides. which is gorgeous, in theory. but it also has blinds, which I hate, and when I sit at the computer at this hour of the morning (7:15) the sun blazes in through a corner of the blinds and gets me right in the eyes.
so there's my argument for not trying to work early in the morning.
all week I've been going to sleep around 10, 10:30, I mean falling hard into sleep. I guess I'm well rested but it leaves me feeling unaccomplished, or like I am just marking time, like, okay, what am I doing? the only night this week that I was up late was the night I watched the pianist, it kept me up til nearly one.
liam is still sleeping. nash is in my bed, where he moved because he got cold in the middle of the night, and he's lying there picking his nose.
the tv is off and I'd like to keep it that way. it is so difficult to get a break from the noise of the tv lately. plus I have guilt because liam at four and half has seen so much stupid drivel that nash at four and a half was never exposed to. it's just sad. I'd like to blow the rugrats off the face of the earth. no little kid needs that clear a script for mean-and-nastiness. let them find their own path to their individual brand of mean-and-nastiness... then at least it might be entertaining. like nash's four year old insult: meet-a-motthead. it's much more fun to be called that than "you stupid baby!". kiss my ass, angelica.
I detest those "live, learn and get luvs" ads and in general, they do not match up with my parenting life - we continued on with cloth diapers with our second child, for example, and were actually more conservative with his eating (delayed solids), did more intentional attachment parenting with him (because we had read more about it, and observed more), delayed/declined vaccinations, were better, more informed advocates for him during his first few hours of newborn life in the hospital, etc. and when liam was a baby, we didn't even have a tv in the house. but since he turned three, it's been pretty nuts. well. no. the marking point is actually, since I got this job. almost two years. almost.
I read bell hooks' all about love last night. I think it depressed me. it certainly left me more sad than inspired. then I started natalie goldberg's thunder and lightning.
I dreamed I was suddenly at the oscars. some best actress nominee had been disqualified due to bad behavior (!) and so I was nominated, for my work in a small film. I was trying to mingle and be cool but I kept losing my children in the crowd. gwyneth was really, really nice to me and I felt guilty for having never cared for her. I wore a black dress, long and vintage-y.
liam is waking up and awwwwwwwww they are snuggling. gorsh they're so beautiful. and now they just turned the tv on. damn. spongebob. could be worse.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

bedtime last night

liam: mom, why do they call it a library?
me: well, because that -
liam: why do they call it a book?
me: hmmm?
liam: why do they call it a frog?
me: goodnight, liam

Monday, March 01, 2004

and from free will astrology:

Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter when devout Christians commemorate the 40 days that Christ allegedly spent resisting the devil's temptations in the wilderness. Growing up Episcopalian, I was taught to imitate Jesus every year at this time by giving up something I had a strong attachment to. My usual choice was candy. It so happens, Virgo, that even if you're not Christian, the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to renounce three experiences that you have become a bit addicted to. Those experiences are berating yourself, denying yourself pleasure, and giving till it hurts. I urge you to give them all up between now and April 10.

I think this is something I can get behind.
one of my neighbors and I have committed to a walking routine, and watching each others' kids so that we can walk in peace. we started just after mardi gras, and she said, "for lent, I ain't giving up a damn thing." and I've been thinking, well, but we're giving up, uh, sloth or whatever. now I'm thinking, what is it with me and always needing to feel like I've got to give something up?