Wednesday, March 10, 2004

my room makes up the entire upstairs portion of this house. being a camel-back, it has a second story that is stuck on like an afterthought, and as such it has windows on all four sides. which is gorgeous, in theory. but it also has blinds, which I hate, and when I sit at the computer at this hour of the morning (7:15) the sun blazes in through a corner of the blinds and gets me right in the eyes.
so there's my argument for not trying to work early in the morning.
all week I've been going to sleep around 10, 10:30, I mean falling hard into sleep. I guess I'm well rested but it leaves me feeling unaccomplished, or like I am just marking time, like, okay, what am I doing? the only night this week that I was up late was the night I watched the pianist, it kept me up til nearly one.
liam is still sleeping. nash is in my bed, where he moved because he got cold in the middle of the night, and he's lying there picking his nose.
the tv is off and I'd like to keep it that way. it is so difficult to get a break from the noise of the tv lately. plus I have guilt because liam at four and half has seen so much stupid drivel that nash at four and a half was never exposed to. it's just sad. I'd like to blow the rugrats off the face of the earth. no little kid needs that clear a script for mean-and-nastiness. let them find their own path to their individual brand of mean-and-nastiness... then at least it might be entertaining. like nash's four year old insult: meet-a-motthead. it's much more fun to be called that than "you stupid baby!". kiss my ass, angelica.
I detest those "live, learn and get luvs" ads and in general, they do not match up with my parenting life - we continued on with cloth diapers with our second child, for example, and were actually more conservative with his eating (delayed solids), did more intentional attachment parenting with him (because we had read more about it, and observed more), delayed/declined vaccinations, were better, more informed advocates for him during his first few hours of newborn life in the hospital, etc. and when liam was a baby, we didn't even have a tv in the house. but since he turned three, it's been pretty nuts. well. no. the marking point is actually, since I got this job. almost two years. almost.
I read bell hooks' all about love last night. I think it depressed me. it certainly left me more sad than inspired. then I started natalie goldberg's thunder and lightning.
I dreamed I was suddenly at the oscars. some best actress nominee had been disqualified due to bad behavior (!) and so I was nominated, for my work in a small film. I was trying to mingle and be cool but I kept losing my children in the crowd. gwyneth was really, really nice to me and I felt guilty for having never cared for her. I wore a black dress, long and vintage-y.
liam is waking up and awwwwwwwww they are snuggling. gorsh they're so beautiful. and now they just turned the tv on. damn. spongebob. could be worse.

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