seven oh six ay em.
I went to sleep at 9:30 last night. liam went to sleep during a story (peter pan) at 8, and then I read nash another chapter of harry potter & the chamber of secrets and sent him to settle down and let me read. and by 9:30 I was nodding off violently, doing that thing where you just give your eyes a little rest in the middle of the page...

I still get defensive about how much sleep I need. or, I've had a resurgence of defensiveness about it since hitting my thirties. it has nothing to do with age - I've needed to make sleep a priority since I was 18, since I spent a year as a semi-invalid with chronic fatigue. that year, I called myself an inVALid. and I felt like my life was over.

so I get defensive when folks talk about turning in early meaning that they, or I, are "old." for me, the only part age is playing is that I have the wisdom and deep investment in self-preservation thing going on. I know what it feels like to be sick all the time. and I know that if I get overtired, I will be mean, sad and ultimately, sick. so I make not getting overtired a priority.

but 9:30! wow. that's unusual. and I have these feelings of I should have been writing, I should have been cleaning, I should have been doing yoga... but I was sleeping. and I feel okay.

oh right on!
and don't you forget it.


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

Seattle
Your dark exterior masks a caffeine driven activism. You'll take up a cause and you'll get ugly to advance it.

I knew I'd get this result, because I could tell that neither new orleans nor atlanta were options.
I love the chance to use "nor" in a sentence.

liam's notorious "when you have to do what you have to do/you are my rock'n'roll person" song is on the audblog below.

audio post powered by audblog

last night, before bed, the combination of watching velvet goldmine and a conversation I had with rosana made me crave david bowie, and realize that oh yeah, I DO have a bowie CD now - my friend zack sent me one back in september. I am so used to thinking that all of my bowie is on vinyl, it's just a habit of the past 8 years or so to assume that I never get to listen to him anymore. and how I love him, like nobody's business. so the kids and I, we danced to david bowie and it was awesome. they were hilarious, taking turns imitating my dance style - "look, coleen, this is what you look like!" "no, this is what she looks like!" - apparently, I look ridiculous, but that's okay.
when we lived in mississippi, partly because we had a total lack of social life, every single evening after dinner, we'd dance our asses off, nash, liam and me. I'm thinking we should reconnect with that tradition.

liam got up at 6. and raised hell. his favorite way to drive me insane is to whistle at me in the early morning hours. I finally turned on the tv and went back to sleep at 7. first I watched a few minutes of the awful show he was watching, for a change of pace from the othere awful early morning shows: TLC's animal jam. bizarre, the way they ahve all those kids in a studio looking like they're making an aerobics video or something. then I woke up for the last few minutes of magic schoolbus and by that time nash was up. I slept all through sesame street, woke up for good during during rolie polie olie.

but don't worry, strangers on the internet say I'm smart:

I am an Intellectual



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

my room makes up the entire upstairs portion of this house. being a camel-back, it has a second story that is stuck on like an afterthought, and as such it has windows on all four sides. which is gorgeous, in theory. but it also has blinds, which I hate, and when I sit at the computer at this hour of the morning (7:15) the sun blazes in through a corner of the blinds and gets me right in the eyes.
so there's my argument for not trying to work early in the morning.
all week I've been going to sleep around 10, 10:30, I mean falling hard into sleep. I guess I'm well rested but it leaves me feeling unaccomplished, or like I am just marking time, like, okay, what am I doing? the only night this week that I was up late was the night I watched the pianist, it kept me up til nearly one.
liam is still sleeping. nash is in my bed, where he moved because he got cold in the middle of the night, and he's lying there picking his nose.
the tv is off and I'd like to keep it that way. it is so difficult to get a break from the noise of the tv lately. plus I have guilt because liam at four and half has seen so much stupid drivel that nash at four and a half was never exposed to. it's just sad. I'd like to blow the rugrats off the face of the earth. no little kid needs that clear a script for mean-and-nastiness. let them find their own path to their individual brand of mean-and-nastiness... then at least it might be entertaining. like nash's four year old insult: meet-a-motthead. it's much more fun to be called that than "you stupid baby!". kiss my ass, angelica.
I detest those "live, learn and get luvs" ads and in general, they do not match up with my parenting life - we continued on with cloth diapers with our second child, for example, and were actually more conservative with his eating (delayed solids), did more intentional attachment parenting with him (because we had read more about it, and observed more), delayed/declined vaccinations, were better, more informed advocates for him during his first few hours of newborn life in the hospital, etc. and when liam was a baby, we didn't even have a tv in the house. but since he turned three, it's been pretty nuts. well. no. the marking point is actually, since I got this job. almost two years. almost.
I read bell hooks' all about love last night. I think it depressed me. it certainly left me more sad than inspired. then I started natalie goldberg's thunder and lightning.
I dreamed I was suddenly at the oscars. some best actress nominee had been disqualified due to bad behavior (!) and so I was nominated, for my work in a small film. I was trying to mingle and be cool but I kept losing my children in the crowd. gwyneth was really, really nice to me and I felt guilty for having never cared for her. I wore a black dress, long and vintage-y.
liam is waking up and awwwwwwwww they are snuggling. gorsh they're so beautiful. and now they just turned the tv on. damn. spongebob. could be worse.

bedtime last night

liam: mom, why do they call it a library?
me: well, because that -
liam: why do they call it a book?
me: hmmm?
liam: why do they call it a frog?
me: goodnight, liam

and from free will astrology:

Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter when devout Christians commemorate the 40 days that Christ allegedly spent resisting the devil's temptations in the wilderness. Growing up Episcopalian, I was taught to imitate Jesus every year at this time by giving up something I had a strong attachment to. My usual choice was candy. It so happens, Virgo, that even if you're not Christian, the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to renounce three experiences that you have become a bit addicted to. Those experiences are berating yourself, denying yourself pleasure, and giving till it hurts. I urge you to give them all up between now and April 10.

I think this is something I can get behind.
one of my neighbors and I have committed to a walking routine, and watching each others' kids so that we can walk in peace. we started just after mardi gras, and she said, "for lent, I ain't giving up a damn thing." and I've been thinking, well, but we're giving up, uh, sloth or whatever. now I'm thinking, what is it with me and always needing to feel like I've got to give something up?

You're Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of
people.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

a series of liam's wake-ups

2/3
I'm feeling like a subpar parent.
liam's first words this morning were, "is your headache gone yet? can I have the remote?"

2/5
liam at 7:30:
mom, can I watch tv? where is the remote? hey mom, you have been letting me watch tv every day! how about if we only watch tv on fridays and saturdays!
me: it's thursday
liam: okay, how about we only watch tv on thursdays, and on thursdays we'll watch tv allllll day. hey, mom, do you need to sleep? hey mom, I'll bet you love me, right mom?
me: yes I love you
liam: you love me so much that you never want me to leave?
me: um. no until you're ready.
liam: when I'm ready I can go to the park all by myself?
me: no, NO, stay in bed, I meant when you are a grown up and you're ready
liam: when I'm a grown up you'll be old, mom. hey mom, someday you'll die! do you need to sleep, mom?

2/6
liam at 8 AM:
mom, are there any trains in new orleans?
me: yes
liam: ther are LOTS of trains in new orleans, right? maybe ten? and even some in algiers point! and also trolleys. more trolleys than trains even. hey! did you hear that? was that a train or a boat?

2/10
liam at 8 AM: "did I sleep? I didn't sleep. I did NOT sleep. you need to sleep, I don't."

2/11
liam at 7:30:
mom, is our car broken? when our car was broken, they had to come with a tow truck. with ALL the tow trucks. someday our car will be broken again, because, when it's time to die, all of the meteors will come down. because, mom, there's lots of worlds. and mom, someday YOU will have a birthday. I want you to have a surprise party.

2/13
Liam at 8:30: can I watch my video now? can I watch it RIGHT NOW?
(after a stomping and screaming interlude, then there was some cuddling, and I said-)
me: mmmm, you're good for eating!
liam: and YOU are good for sleeping, mom! you are really good at sleeping. ha ha, you are the best sleeper I know! does it make you laugh when I say that, mom?

2/16
liam at 8 AM:
did I fell asleep before the end of chitty chitty bang bang? can I watch it again right now? is the sun all the way up?

2/17
liam at 8:15 AM:
I dreamed that I was in a soccer game at monkey hill, with my friends, and I went backwards from the way that you are supposed to go, I was up on the ramp part, kicking the ball up and up and up and then down the wooden part, and I was really kicking the way that my friends teached me.
me: who were these friends?
liam: you KNOW, my FRIENNNNNDS
me: were they people I know?
liam: one was a boy, one was a girl, and they were older than me. they were not teenagers, they were not grown-ups, but they were older than me.
nash: of course they weren't grown-ups. why in the heck would you have friends who were grown-ups?
me: well you guys have friends who are grown-ups.
liam: yeah, like Kami!

2/19
liam at 7:45:
mom what day is it?
(and then, after a discussion of days)
can I watch some tv now?
me: if you can be very quiet
liam: you mean not yell and sing?
me: right. I need for you to let your bother rest, and let me rest, too.
liam: (exasperated sigh) but mom, I just love rockin too much! I just want to be rockin all day.

2/20
liam is off to the doctor for more shots.
he woke up around 8:30 and started playing right away with his mini flashlight bead - a muses catch - and I think his first words to me were, "open up and let me have a look, mom! you're a very good patient..."
poor kid. I think this is the last round. I hope so.

I was catching up on blog reading - I only read blogs once a week or less, so I got caught up on smallhands, which is my favorite, and then read some more, including esperanza, and felt inspired to check out her partner's blog: radikal papi
cool!

liam at 7:30:
mom, is our car broken? when our car was broken, they had to come with a tow truck. with ALL the tow trucks. someday our car will be broken again, because, when it's time to die, all of the meteors will come down. because, mom, there's lots of worlds. and mom, someday YOU will have a birthday. I want you to have a surprise party.

(I thought for sure he was going to say that someday I would die, since he tells me this at least once a day. I am allowed to get as old as grandpa, whom he thinks will die very soon. my father is in pretty good health.)

last night's news:

1: it HAILED tonight! ice all over my front porch. I love that stuff. Nash is going to be so pissed that he missed it.

2: free will astrology
I rarely employ my mediumistic skills, but a host of spirits was just clamoring to address you this week. So I agreed to channel five of them, on the condition that they'd be brief and to the point. Here, then, are your advisors from the other side of the veil. First, Wernher von Braun: "Research is what you do when you don't know what you're doing." Second, A.A. Milne: "One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries." Next, Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." Casey Stengel: "You're lost but you're making good time." Harry S. Truman: "If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em."

I discovered yesterday that Zoboomofoo has been taken off of my local PBS sheculde and replaced by Boohbah! it's an outrage. not that I have something against Boohbah per se, I haven't even seen it, but surely Boohbah could have had one of the numerous slots given to Arthur or Clifford or the accursed Dragon Tales...




You are Galadriel's Mirrorball. A gift to her from
Sauron in the days when he masked his evil, you
wreak havoc among the weak-minded. The elven
queen herself has been seen sneaking away to
her secret glade to dance the night away to
wicked music. You may be the downfall of
Middle-Earth.


Which completely non-existant Lord of the Rings object are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

ah, one of my all time favorites...

Obituary Note: Joan Aiken, Author of 92 Novels

Adult and children's book author Joan Aiken passed away on January 4
at the age of 79. Popular in both the U.K. and U.S., Aiken wrote in a
variety of genres, including fantasy for adults and children as well
as poetry, plays, horror and short stories. She is perhaps best-known
for her Wolves Chronicles series for children, which began with the
novel The Wolves of Willoughby Chase. The third title in the series,
The Whispering Mountain, won the Guardian's Children's Book Prize in
1968. She also won an Edgar Award in 1972 for Night Fall, a children's
mystery.

Aiken wrote a total of 92 novels in her lifetime, 65 of them for
children. She was published in the U.S. by Delacorte and Houghton
Mifflin, among others. Her most recent book, Midwinter Nightingale,
was published by Delacorte in June 2003. Her final book, The Witch of
Clattering Shaws, will appear in spring 2005.

I don't want the clean sweep people to come to my house. I like my stuff. today, I went through a lot of it - mostly the paper part. and I threw away a large bag full of papers. but I'm glad I did it by myself. I am not interested in anyone else's assessment of my stuff.
one thing I saved, for example, is a note from my friend aram, detailing a list of things he wanted me to pick up from the store in case I went into town. I love it. it's so him.
I am throwing some stuff out but mainly I need to look at what this stuff IS and move it around. I have two small filing cabinets, two drawers each, metal, one black one blue-grey. the bottom drawers of each had not been emptied out since before Nash was born. we have moved five times since then. FIVE. yes. and so I found a plastic tub of markers and crayons which had long since been crushed under the weight of other things, all of my politcal buttons from the late eighties & early nineties (my favorite of which is the one proclaiming, "half gay"), a copy of every newsletter I put together back in the 80s and early nineties, every conference flyer I ever made, every camp yearbook & mugbook I ever got, and so on and so on.
now the drawers are as such: blue top - misc. things that I am saving for pure sentimentality; blue bottom - rowe camp things; black top - files, with things like all things calendar, all things zine, all my issues of the EVI, etc.; black bottom - all camp & conference newsletters, yearbooks, mugbooks & flyers, PLUS all of my papers & exams and things from the mid to late nineties at georgia state, AND the negatives to my wedding pictures.
I was able to get rid of the HUGE box of miscellany on top of the black filing cabinet and replace it with two small boxes, one of sentimental things and one of active stuff. at least half of my sentimental keepings are photos. next stop, putting things into albums! yikes.

oh good, I can get a job!


Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and
Barry


Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla

In the interest of producing something coherent about my travels of last summer, I am trying hard to bring last june into focus. the trip to providence and boston. I remember everything about being in providence and boston, it's the drive I've lost. I remember eating "steak-out" take-out food in a hotel room. I remember listening to 8 accursed magic treehouse books on tape and loathing them all. I remember the construction back-up in NYC that cost us hours and earned me my mother's deep, burning resentment for acting like miss know it all with the map. I remember liam having to pee all through NYC and there being no place to stop. we stopped at that first exit that feels like you're out of the city, but you're not, you're still in the bronx, but it has a big shopping center with all of these chain stores and fast food and stuff and we went to pee at this little deli wherein some dude was screaming and going off when we first came in, and as I was paying for our snacks (I distinctly recall buying yogurt smoothies for the kids) the proprietress was telling someone, "it's the heat. everybody's goin crazy" and lordy, she wasn't half wrong.
I may have to ask my mother where we spent our nights - in hotels, yes,but to be more specific.
the drive back down I remember pretty clearly.