I feel like I've been to hell and back.

on december 17th I took my four year old to the ER in mississippi, where we were visiting family for an early yule celebration. he'd been sick since the previous afternoon with fever and vomiting.
Liam got a quick diagnosis of meningitis, and
then spent about 36 hours in the NICU, until the diagnosis could be narrowed down. By Thursday evening, he was coherent enough to begin voicing his passionate dismay at the whole situation and we could see then that
there was no doubt of him pulling through. The treatment involved a ten day stay, though, so
they moved us into the pediatric ward and there we stayed. Liam got better fast -- it was one of the many surreal aspects of the whole thing.

I think it was friday afternoon - our second day in the ward - that my sister
went out and bought a tv/vcr combo for us and installed it in his room along with many videos, some of which I would never allow under ordinary circumstances. but that it was this is. it is unlimited access to offensive disney videos and hormone laden chocolate milk from enslaved cows. it is letting him hold the remote. it is whatever he wants, whatever gets us through.

there was one nurse who made a comment about the video watching each time she comes in, she seemed to think he was watching too much tv and I'd always bite my tongue while thinking, lady, I have here a kid who, as soon as he was well enough to know what was what, spent much of the day crying about how much he wanted to go home.
if watching videos all day keeps him from counting the hours, what's it to you? of course the same nurse made an uneasy comment about "all of the witchraft" in harry potter, so, yeah... whatever.

When he was not watching his favorite movies
(those would be Little Bear,
Harry Potter, Kiki's Delivery Service, and, much to my chagrin, The Road to El Dorado (what was rosie perez thinking with that movie?)), Liam enjoyed walking the halls, playing with the adjustable bed controls, and... opening mail! We were lucky enough to get lots of letters and packages from friends and relatives.

I fended off the attentions of the hospital chaplain several times. this was our conversation on december 22:

him: how much does your baby understand about
christmas?
me: well, not much because we don't celebrate
christmas.
him: oh, you're jehova's witnesses?
me: no, we're unitarian universalists.
him: oh... well, I am not familiar with
unitarians, but I'll respect
your religion.
me: thanks.
him: I'll keep praying for you.
me: thanks.

all of this time, Liam was growling at him. half an hour later we respectfully declined a group of candystripers who wanted to come into
the room for some bedside carolling.

now, we're home, having a quiet new year's eve and Liam is fully recovered, energetic and completely back to normal. me, I feel like my head is floating somewhere above me, like the stress and fear of this whole adventure is only beginning to settle on me like a big weight.

I'm tired.

I did not try to get this answer... but I didn't try not to either.


You are a Gender Nazi. Your boundary-crossing
lifestyle inspires awe in your friends and
colleagues. Or maybe they're just scared you
will kick their asses for using gender-specific
language. Either way, the wife-beater helps.


What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have $25 left for groceries or anything else I (or mbd) may need before saturday morning. we won't starve, but I hate that feeling of knowing that I have no easy out. I have to eat what's here. and no fancy gingerbread latte at my favorite coffeehouse for me when I take nash to kung fu. and no taxi to or from rosana's gig wednesday night - if I have no ride I just plain can't go.
I want to be able to save that $25 for friday morning's shopping trip of ingredients for cookie dough and maybe egg nog.

I sent liam downstairs to get a muffin, I told him they are in the plastic bag near the milk. he came back with stuff on his face and said he couldn't find them... a half an hour later I went down with him and he said, I couldn't find them so I just ate color candy powder. turns out he ate a baggie of colored sugar intended for cookie decorating - probably only a tablespoon in there, but still. I guess I'm just lucky he didn't go for the baggie of raw chicken.

I have to go the library to return videos. last night I fell asleep at 9 with nash reading to me. I woke up at 12:30 and watched happiness, because it is due today and I have renewed it 4 times already. what a painful, sad, ugly, disturbing film. great music.

my orders:

How should you dress today? by MidnightVampress
Name
Shoes	Platform
Shirt	tube top
bottom	sweatpants
hair	pigtails!!!
makeup	no blush, light foundation
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

my reality:
shoes just wool socks now, doc marten boots when I was out
shirt red long sleeved stretchy t-shirt
bottom olive green trousers that are way too big
hair hat head
make-up chapstick

what if I just posted this every single day for the rest of my life?

the regionalism meme

born and raised in florida, by a native floridian and an early childhood hoosier transplant, with many a summer spent on the gulf and in louisiana bayou country.


1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? a canal, a creek, or a bayou, depending on where we are and whether its more nature or humna made
2. The thing you push around the grocery store? shopping cart
3. A metal container to carry a meal in? lunch box
4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in? frying pan unless it's an iron skillet
5. The piece of furniture that seats three people? couch
6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof? gutter
7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening? porch - usually a front porch
8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages? soda
9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup? pancake
10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself? sub or a py-boy, depending on the bread
11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach? bathing suit
12. Shoes worn for sports? sneakers
13. Putting a room in order? straightening up
14. A flying insect that glows in the dark? firefly.
15. The little insect that curls up into a ball? roly poly
16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down? see saw
17. How do you eat your pizza? with my hands, pointy end up to the crust. I rarely eat the crust.
18. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff? yard sale
19. What's the evening meal? supper when I was a child, now I usually say dinner
20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are? basement but we never had any where I come from
21. When you are waiting at the bank, you are standing ____ line? in
22. In a school, if you want a drink of water, where does it come from? water fountain
23. What are the chocolate things that you put on ice cream called? sprinkles
24. Place where you put your towels to dry, above the boiler? huh?
25. Piece of cloth with which you wash your face? washrag
26. Day after Christmas? just that, the day after Christmas
27. Thing women (mostly) use to tie their hair back with: Ponytail holder
28. An unusually heavy rain which does not last long? this is not so regional, but in my family we call it a "fucking monsoon!" or a "fucking torrential downpour!"
29. A window covering on rollers that pulls down? window blind
30. A new, limited access, multi-lane road? interstate highway
31. Heavy garments worn for work? coveralls if they are the ones that you know, cover AlL; overalls otherwise.
32. The area in the house where people usually sit? living room or front room
33. paper thing you carry something home from the store in? grocery bag

the temperature is dropping, fast, and I'm about ready to start baking cookies.
I'm getting excited about attending the bonfire on the levee.
the kids say they are ready to put up our yule lights on the front porch. I spent two hours at work making flyers for our winter holiday fair, and our mitten tree project. I cut and pasted many, many images of trees and logs other greens in use throughout history to celebrate winter's arrival and the return of the sun.
saturday night will find me coring 25 apples for the kids at church to use in the advent garden spiral.
so, yeah, except for the fact that I prefer "pagan-friendly atheist UU" as my religious descriptor, this quiz is pretty right on.


You are 'Deck the Halls'! Let's be honest, it
isn't Christmas you are celebrating, is it? In
fact, you know full well that there were no
shepherds in the fields in December, and that
the date of Christmas was put at midwinter
specifically to coincide with the older
celebrations of Yule and the birth of Mithras.
An unashamed Pagan, you take great glee in the
number of carols referring to holly, evergreens
and Winter's end, and will sing them with
gusto. You know where they really came from.
And you do enjoy the seasonal celebrations,
regardless of their name... A merry Yule to
you!


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

how I make hot chocolate:
I coulda got the idea from anywhere, I guess, but the truth is that it came from a martha stewart kids holiday edition two years ago: take equal parts cocoa and white sugar, mix mix mix them together until they are totally blended and put it in a jar. that's my cocoa mix and I now make some up each time it gets chilly out. a cup of soy milk in the microwave and then stir in the powder... however much looks right. if I'm making it for all of us I'll heat the milk in a pan on the stove instead... I'm not making like it's healthy or anything, but it is way cheaper than prepackaged hot chocolate. this morning mine is embellished with leftover thanksgiving whipped cream.

the flu has loosened its grip on me, slightly. enough so that I can sit here for a few minutes, anyhow. if I had a laptop, it'd be different. this has truly been the worst flu I've had in years. possibly the worst since the one that turned into bronchitis on me in the spring of '99. rough.
my strongest remaining symptoms are weakness and dizzyness. at least I got my voice (almost) back - for a few days there it was just a croak. now I have croaking, yes, and also a pre-pubescent boy's sort of squeak.

I dreamed that I was being given an award for my ability to communicate with children. steve burns was presenting it to me, and I doubled over in a horrible coughing fit. I woke up coughing, sweaty and disappointed.

so my mother called me up and said, oh hey, all those friends of yours are in the new utne reader...
well, yeah! not just my friends, but me, too, sort of, by way of being one of the women behind mamaphiles. I haven't had a chance to see the utne piece yet, but I will be glad to show off the mamaphiles cover in all its glory:



if you haven't got a copy yet, go to mamasunidas distro today.

even though my feet hurt, it must be said that I love to go trick or treating, and that my neighborhood is the very finest trick or treat place I've ever seen, much less lived in. yeah I slapped a preposition on the end of the sentence, so what.
we walked through sidewalk haunted house displays, block parties, smoke machine made mists, you name it. it was grand. trick or treating at whole foods earlier in the day, that was nice and all, and the treats couldn't be beat, but that's nothing like going out and meeting your neighbors at their wackiest.
I'm really glad I live here.
and look:


Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

I have a sore throat again. I went to sleep just a little after ten. it's pretty sad when I can't even stay up for the west wing. I have been going to sleep in the vicinity of ten for several days now. I want all of this rest to shield me from sore throats. why isn't it working?
we don't have the heat on. I love the space in time after the air conditioning but before the heat.
most of what I did yesterday beyond direct action child rearing was read my book, cold flat junction by martha grimes. it's moody and sad and lovely. it feels a lot like margaret atwood.

I feel quizzish, how 'bout you?


Goo!! You are SALVADORE DALI.
You paint the bizarre and surreal. No one can
figure you out, and everyone has given up
trying to guess what crazy thing you'll do
next. Your friends look forward to whatever
outrageous endeavor you will engage in next.


Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am getting in gear for the bookfair. I need to get a long armed stapler from someplace. oy.
meanwhile, girlmom & mamaphonic are back up, the new hip mama is gorgeous, the weather is nice if it a bit warmer than I'd prefer, and I'm okay.

song of the day: anchorage by michelle shocked

I took time out to write to my old friend
I walked across that burning bridge

***

I had a great weekend in atlanta, with old friends, chai, thai food, a wedding, dinosaur bones and a long train ride

go on over to the new hip mama site and make me a nice, satisfying poll.

wow, I really enjoy the grim reaper's age guesser. it says I'm 33. that makes it sound like I'm being all, ooh it called me young! that's not what I mean. I enjoyed the questions and am impressed with the accuracy.

this household has gone from stomach flu to cold-and-flu without missing a beat.

as I post this, my fluish kids have been in front of the set all day...

Television


The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!
'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rate and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.

Roald Dahl

we were hit hard by a stomach flu beginning on tuesday night. now, I'm placating recovering kids by tolerating the freaking wiggles. I can't stand the wiggles.

saturday is the national day to empower teen parents. look for events near you.

news: someone stole my kids' shabby yard sale bikes from off of our front porch.
reminder: the submission deadline for a mama's calendar is nov. 20.

I don't want to post about things that are causing me grief, so I'm avoiding the present by posting meme after meme, but...
here are some positive things I can say:
*a friend of mine taught nash how to crochet and he's really into it
*jonathon richman was wonderful last night, even though the crowd was mostly unresponsive and it was the shortest headlining set I've ever seen him play
*the children's halloween costume choices so far are an undead pirate (nash) and a ballerina (liam).
*the weather is a joy to behold
*I'm reading martha grimes latest, foul matter

today is hard.

now, who is going to babysit for me on monday night so I can go see jonathon richman? who?

Gynocide's Banned Book Meme!




The Top Most Frequently Challenged/Banned Books from 1990-2000.

bold the ones you've read. I've read surprisingly (to me) few.



Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz

Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling

Forever by Judy Blume (a long, long time ago)

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman (this is one of nash's favorites)

My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (I can recite this book, I'll bet)

The Giver by Lois Lowry

It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris

Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

Sex by Madonna (heh heh)

Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous

Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak (I was just enjoying this today)

The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard

The Witches by Roald Dahl

The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein

Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry

The Goats by Brock Cole

Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane

Blubber by Judy Blume

Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan

Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam

We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier

Final Exit by Derek Humphry

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George (oh, such a great book! I need to read the sequel, now that there is one)

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Beloved by Toni Morrison

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

The Pigman by Paul Zindel

Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard

Deenie by Judy Blume

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar

Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz

A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)

Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole

Cujo by Stephen King

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell

Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

Ordinary People by Judith Guest

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume

Crazy Lady by Jane Conly

Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher

Fade by Robert Cormier

Guess What? by Mem Fox

The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende

The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Native Son by Richard Wright

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday

Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen

Jack by A.M. Homes

Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya

Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle

Carrie by Stephen King

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume

On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer

Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge

Family Secrets by Norma Klein

Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole

The Dead Zone by Stephen King

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

Always Running by Luis Rodriguez

Private Parts by Howard Stern

Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford

Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene

Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

Running Loose by Chris Crutcher

Sex Education by Jenny Davis

The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene

Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney

Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

the ranking process of this meme is pretty entertaining.

Hipsters, Bill Clinton, The New York Yankees
Circle I Limbo

PETA Members
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Rush Limbaugh
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Bill Gates
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Camille Paglia
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

diet industry CEOs
Circle VII Burning Sands

the Man
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

autumn! at last.
and it's gorgeous, sunny with a soft breeze. cordero and trailer bride are playing at el matador tonight.
life is not so bad.
so many times in the last two days I thought of things I meant to write about. now it's gone, all gone from my mind.
things went well at work sunday morning. I embarked on the very ambitious project of cleaning my room afterwards and got, I dunno, maybe a third of the way done.
sunday night I happened upon a roseanne marathon and watched it for HOURS. it was amazing. I had to force myself to turn it off at 1:30 AM.

it's my birthday, and I have no cake. something must be done about this. tomorrow, sometime, somehow, something. I won't have my 35th pass without cake!

quote of the day:
"You can follow your book and your map of wars, but I'll go and follow my kids." -- Woody Guthrie

and now to take a moment to live in the moment, and experience these things: homemade iced chai, the air conditioning blowing just a little too cold (but in a really good way), liam making up his own harry potter stories (that's right, fan fic from a four year old!), nash continuing to dedicate himself for preparing for the life he will lead after he gets shrunk, and one more wordy quiz:

First bike: I had a tricycle when I was three, it was metal and I am pretty sure it was purple
First best friend: Melissa Merrill, fourth grade
First car: an 87 nissan sentra, red; it was mine from 93-97
First job: aside from babysitting gigs? when I was 15 I started my career in food service at GD Ritzy's in Fort Myers, Florida
First screen name: my very first screenname was my full name, first, last & initial, on the hip mama boards. I was clueless.
First self purchased album: the Beatles, Love Songs
First pet: I'm not sure if the puppy came before the kitten, but neither one lasted long. the kitten had to be given away after it gave me cat scratch disease.
First piercing/tattoo: I got one ear pierced when I was 18, and the both done when I was 20.
First independent home: I got my first apartment when I was 20, February 1988. it was a nightmare of rattan furniture, in a way that was not at all my fault. it was hideous and I hated it. I moved out in May.
First credit card: I got my first one late, which is a good thing, I guess. I got it when I was pregnant with Nash and a couple hundred bucks right away on maternity clothes.
First love: David in the first grade. he sat behind me, and he used to slip me pringles chips out of his lunch box during class. my second love (after david moved away) was later that year, and his name was either Kirk or Kurt. I got it wrong half of the time, but that's okay because he always called me Corleen. We played monopoly - I would help him with the reading parts and he'd help me with the math. It was a great relationship. Kirk/Kurt, where are you?
First enemy: no idea. I went to elementary school with a whole host of meanies.
First big trip: what is big? as a child, I went with my family to california (from florida) when I was 4 or 5. When I was 16, I went all the way to the USSR.
First play/musical/performance: I was maid marian in robin hood with my 2nd grade class, which consisted of 5 children. I was the only girl in the class. I had no lines.
Last movie seen: I went to see The Whale Rider yesterday afternoon. It was lovely and hard. I cried from the get go.
Last book read: I read all of Little House on The Prairie last night! for the first time in many years.
Last cuss word uttered: I have no fucking idea
Last beverage drank: iced chai with honey & soy milk
Last Food consumed: leftover evil jungle prince, using the east village inky recipe
Last crush: like I'm going to answer this
Last kiss: Liam Everett Vercouteren Murphy
Last phone call: my mother
Last TV. show watched: queer eye for the straight guy
Last time showered: I took a bath this morning
Last shoes worn: my painfully smelly mary janes with the studs
Last cd played: the bottle let me down
Last item bought: an obscenely large thing of popcorn at the movies yesterday
Last downloaded: an anti-virus and firewall thing that I don't entirely understand
Last annoyance: my back is still sore from falling up the stairs back on monday
Last soda drank: dr. pepper a few days ago
Last word written: "ago"
Last word spoken: okay
Last sleep: this morning I was able to go back to bed from about 8 til 10, which is a rare treat.
Last IM: last week or maybe longer ago than that... it was with max.
Last weird encounter: I have no energy for this question.
Last ice cream eaten: last week, I fiished off Liam's birthday ice cream in a root beer float.
Last time amused: this morning
Last time wanting to die: it's been since 1987
Last time hugged: this morning
Last chair sat in: my computer chair, which is really a dining table chair, wooden with reddish brown vinyl. it's technically my dad's.
Last shirt worn: I'm wearing a shirt today that pleases me very much. my mom put it on Nash the last time we were at her house, after he'd mushed bean burrito al over himself. it's dark blue with a big white women's symbol and it says, "womanstrength, womanpower, womandream" in small block letters with "Sonia" written in cursive in the center. I wonder if it's from some Sonia Johnson campaign.
Last web page visited: bust.com

I got the news from meghan about the suicide in korea, and I wanted to send her something hopeful and beautiful for this day, and then I thought: why just send it to meghan? why not... the world!
I heard about this project from my friend lli, who posted it in her journal. I'm into it - I'll be leaving at least one book in the park today.
love to you all, coleen

ps happy birthday, john kleber!

A "Poetical Happening"

On Sept. 11th, join a "poetical happening" and free a book!

Because a book is a symbol of freedom, sharing and tolerance.

On Sept. 11th, 2003, take a book which is important for you, a book that has changed your vision on the world, write in it a dedication, a few words, an address, or a drawing, and free it!

Leave it on a roadside bench, a bus stop or in a cafe making it available for any unknown reader!

In this way Sept. 11th will be not only an anniversary of tragedy.

Together let us affect this global sorrow with creative and generous action!

A general mobilization from Bruxelles, Paris, Florence, San Francisco, Denver, Chicago, New York, Seattle, Whidbey Island and more! Almost all over the world readers, artists, writers, poets, and publishers of vision and heart will free books that are important for them on Thursday Sept. 11th 2003.

Readers, authors, publishers - free a book!
Because a book is a symbol of freedom, sharing and tolerance!
Some who have already decided to free a book:

Sophie Buyse, Anatole Atlas, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Evrahim Baran, Graziano Staino, Guy Montens, David Giannoni, Patrick Depauld, Luca Del Punta, Xavier Löwenthal, Antonio Bertoli, Emmanuel Lequeux, Marco Parente, Martin Bakero, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Nati B. Laïtem, Cristina Abati, Ed Sanders, Carlo Salvador, Luigi Grechi, Anne Waldman, Marianne Costa, Giuseppe Monaco, Leslie Aguillard of Denver, Victory Lee Schouten
This poetical happening originated with:
Éditions Maelström - Bruxelles, Éditions Le Veilleur - Paris,
Edizioni CityLights - Firenze, City Lights Publishers - San Francisco,
A.C. Biofficina - Roma - Leslie Aguillard, Denver
Belgium: info@maelstromeditions.com
France: e.lequeux@tiscali.fr
Italy: citylights@firenze.net
U.S.A. : stacey@citylights.com
Because a book is a symbol of freedom, sharing and tolerance!
Victory Lee Schouten < victory@greatpath.com >
Great Path Publishing < http://www.greatpath.com/ >
Phone/Fax: 1-360-331-7099 Ordering: 1-800-858-5063
P.O. Box 882, Freeland, WA 98249, USA

"The moon rolls through the trees, rises
from them, and waits."
-William Stafford

sure, I'll do this one again...

1 MINUTE AGO: I was looking at my library account info, reserving a dave eggers book, wondering what else to reserve
1 DAY AGO: sitting here procrastinating on all of the written work I have to do, just like I am now, and waiting for the west wing to come on
1 WEEK AGO: freaking out about getting the house clean for liam's birthday party, realizing that the washing machine was broken, struggling with getting my mamaphonic essay out of my head and on to the page/screen
1 YEAR AGO: recovering from liam's birthday & settling back in to work and life at home after the summer away, just as I am now.
I HURT: sometimes, just like everybody else
I LOVE: to have a whole stack of books waiting for me to dive in
I HATE: mortality
I FEAR: death and pain
I HOPE: that liam's prediction of living until he's 100 comes true
I LISTEN: to nash talk allllllll day sometimes
I HIDE: from my children by reading in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, when I've reached my limit.
I DRIVE: myself crazy with my procastination
I PLAY: the same elvis costello song (I turn around) over and over sometimes
I MISS: my grandma
I LEARNED: some kung fu tonight, from observing nash's class
I KNOW: I have issues
I WAIT: til the last minute
I NEED: my own place
I THINK: about writing way more than I actually do it
Current Clothes: black calvin klein boxer briefs and a light blue t-shirt that says: "Shelburne Falls" in glittery, gold letters.
Current Mood: anxious, tired, cranky
Current Music: two little snorers
Current Taste: dr. pepper
Current Hair: pulled back, but dude, I had it so big earlier tonight
Current Annoyance: I'm not saying
Current Smell: I can smell my hair goop, frizz-ease stuff
Current thing I should be doing: writing up the order of service for sunday and oy, so much other stuff
Current Desktop Picture: emily the strange (or is it emily strange?)
Current Favorite bands/singers: the breeders, big star, whoever does that "stuck in indianapolis" song
Current Book: I just finished "mom, murder & apple pie" an anthology of mysteries realting to all three topics. it was good in parts - I'm gonna send it on, though. I'm also reading the MamaPhiles zine.
Current Movie In VCR: it's empty. with the exception of my 10 PM west wing fix, the tv has been off all week, and will be til sunday afternoon, when the little buggers can watch themselves into a scooby induced coma
Current Refreshment: I'm about to go get my dr. pepper and some water
Current Worry: coming across as (un)professional and (dis)organized this weekend.
Current Crush: bah. no soild crush energy at this time.

I woke up with a migraine today. although I must say, it's been since june, so that's pretty good, considering that for most of lastyear, I was getting them monthly like clockwork.
liam was overwhelmed by his party and I feel bad about that. I'm relieved that less than half of the kids we invited showed - he reached his limit at about 4 friends, so it would have been hellish if devlin, pearlie, jobeth, mia, silas, eli, adeline, sofia, vivian, felicity, julian and isabella had been added to the mix... although if the weather had been cooperative and we had been able to go out back as well as indoors, I think he would have been more okay with it. and what a contradiction he is - convinced that his birthday wouldn't be for real unless he had friends over, singing and blowing out the candles, even though he didn't really enjoy the process.
my birthday when I was 4 or 5 (no one remembers. it's a curse having a better memory than your parents) ended in disaster as a result of over-celebrating... I don't rememember the first two parties, but the last one was at my maternal grandparents house, with most of my mother's six brothers and sisters gathered around, and when the cake came out, and they were all singing and looking at me I just couldn't take it. as I started to sob I heard my mother say, "it's her third birthday cake today, I guess it's too much..."
when I got a couple of years older, though, I longed for big birthday parties. I always wanted a surprise party.
ow ow ow my belly hurts. I say "belly" because it is both my stomach and my guts that are in an upheaval. I feel tentatively that it was the pizza. after a week of carefully avoiding dairy, I had pizza with my dad last night. I find it typically ridiculous of me that I didn't eat any of liam's cake because it had butter in it and was frosted with cream cheese (my favorite!), but then ate three slices of gooey pizza with my father. now my stomach hurts, my guts are twisted, my head aches and I'm all stuffed up. so there you have it: I really should get back to my early twenties lifestyle of reserving dairy for special occasions only. that was so much easier then, when I mainly lived on restaurant food of the chinese, thai and jamaican varieties.
back to birthdays:
I get sad when my birthday goes unobserved. I always want a party or something, a little something special. my favorite adult birthday was 25, when saasha and aimee threw a party for me at their place, and at least a hundred people were there, I really felt the love.
what do I want for my birthday?
a night out. a lot of nights out! a girlfriend. the new puffy amiyumi cd, and some yeah yeah yeahs, something by the donnas, and some rufus wainright (at camp, john played this rufus wainright song for me - maybe it's called cigarettes and chocolate milk? - and I was like, is this neil finn? no! rufus w.! I am the last, it seems, to discover rufus w.)... time, immortality, good health. high quality non-dairy cream cheese, a lifetime supply of edensoy extra vanilla. regular babysitting. free photo processing. a professional massage. my friends all around me.

from smallhands:

1. First Grade Teacher Name?
Miss Dawson

2. Last Words You Said:
yes

3. Last Song You Sang?
I love rock 'n' roll... we were singing along.

4. Last Person You Hugged?
my FOUR year old

5. Last Thing You Laughed At?
last night I was laughing a lot at my two boys.

6. Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It?
I always mean it. I've said it to my kids sometime in the past few days.

7. Last Time You Cried?
nearly two weeks ago, leaving luke & nick's house in conway, massachusetts, saying goodbyes for a year or more.

8. What's In Your CD Player?
cat stevens, teaser and the firecat

9. What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
dude, it's august. no socks necessary here.

10. What's Under Your Bed?
beige carpet, lots of small books belonging to the kids, papers, toys, slippers, you name it.

11. What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
7:45 AM

12. Current Taste?
all I've tasted so far today is mentadent and lemon-lime emergenC. I've a mighty taste for a big brunchy breakfast with eggs, toast, potatoes, coffee and orange juice.

13. Current Hair?
it's down and loose, heavily conditioned because of the bleaching and dyeing in the front half, so although it was washed yesterday it's hanging kind of limply right now.

14. Current Clothes?
grey boxer briefs by old navy, cream colored pyjama top by voctoria's secret with long sleeves and little brownish flowers... I dind't buy either of these garments.

15. Current Annoyance?
my own procastination

16. Current Longing?
greasy food and lots of it

17. Current Desktop Picture?
my desktop is an emily strange cartoon

18. Current Worry?
money, war, money, work, lack of time/discipline to write

19. Current Hate?
that's a pretty strong word.

20. Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
the sexes are opposites?

21. Last CD You "Bought"?
I don't know what the quote marks aremeant to imply, but I inadvertently came home with a madonna cd belonging to one phoebe arnold westwood. I've been trying to decide of it's worthwhile to mail it to her. someone at camp went home with my royal tenenbaums soundtrack disc. harrumph.

22. Favorite Places To Be?
at camp. in a movie theater. in bed with a book. someplace that is not smoky and full of creeps, dancing (i.e., camp).

23. Least Favorite Place?
the hospital. the wic office. the police station. the health department.

24. Time You Wake Up In The Morning?
whenever the children decree that I must. typically between 7:00 and 8:00.

25. If You Could Play An Instrument?
piano. but I can't. I just like the idea of it. I'm more likely to pick up guitar.

26. Favorite Color?
black, red, silver

27. Do You Believe In An Afterlife?
not really

28. How Tall Are You?
5'4"

29. Current Favorite Word/Saying?
you know. like. uh. dude. I feel like... or something... or whatever. yeaaaaaah, but: right on.
(these are not the ones I like best or whatever, but the ones I say most often. the one I like best is "right on".)

30. Favorite Book?
my favorite book that I've read recently is The Little Friend

31. Favorite Season?
Autumn

32. One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
Grandma

33. Favorite Day?
like, ever? my favorite day of the week is usually monday. it's a day "off" after an intense sunday. my favorite day of the year is often halloween or day of the dead/all souls.

34. Where Would You Like To Go?
st. petersburg, russia

35. What Is Your Career Going To Be Like?
very different from what I had in mind when I was 16. I am having trouble seeing myself in the US congress.

36. How Many Kids Do You Want?
aw, who knows. in a way, still 4 or 5. but maybe not.

37. Favorite Car?
I'd really like a volvo station wagon. I'd like whatever feels safest to me.

38. Type of Line You Remember From Any Book:
I remember scenes perfectly, and the lines inaccurately, like, when lane sees franny get off the train and she's wearing the coat she always wears and he's remembering the time when they were necking and he kissed the coat lapel as if it were an extension of her. or when raskolnikov is timing his departure from his room in such a way as to avoid running into his landlady because he has no money.

39. A Random Lyric:
elvis
was a hero to most but he never meant shit to me
he was a straight up racist
that sucker was stupid and plain
motherfuck him and john wayne

40. Identify Some Of The Things Surrounding Your Computer:
stacks of small slips of paper containing various phone numbers and/or email addresses; a half glass of apple juice; some AA batteries; computer speakers that barely work; a $1 token from the palace casino; ticket stub from X2; a card on which I've written my library card number for easy reference; a box of candles that I could stand to let rosana throw away.

the sunday brunch... a handful.

1. What food could you eat practically every day?
chai. fried spring rolls.

2. What is your least favorite food?
squid

3. How often do you eat out?
I'm making an effort to decrease the frequency of getting take-out, partly because we can't afford it, and partly for my health. so, so far it's been a week - one week ago I had brunch at BANG in atlanta, and then had nasty taco bell on the drive home, in montgomery.

4. What does the inside of your refrigerator look like (i.e., well stocked with fresh food, lots of left-overs that have been there for a while or looks like Mother Hubbard's cupboard)?
it's a mix. no old leftovers because we just got back to town, and I threw all the nasty, old stuff (like two month old mashed potatoes) out the first day back. we're out of soy milk, though, and bagels, so it looks pretty bare to me. we have a lot of salad fixins including fresh beets.

5. Is there a combination of food you like that other people may think is gross?
nothing specific is coming to mind. I gamely tried the peanut butter bacon burger from yo mama's in the french quarter and while it was not exactly gross, it was awfully dry for my taste and I can't see having it again.
I like to dip french fries or chips into just about anything creamy: mayonnaise with horseradish is my first choice, but I'll take bleu cheese, plain mayo, ranch dressing, sour cream, yogurt garlic sauce, pretty much whatever.

1. Do you prefer to be the driver or passenger?
uh, the passenger. without a doubt, since I haven't driven at all since 1989.

2. When you drive somewhere, do you prefer to take the long way or quickest route?
well it depends, doesn't it? if it's a long road trip, I want the way to have some good stops, some scenery.

3. Do you have road rage?
not at all. how could I?

4. What is the longest road trip you taken?
from atlanta, georgia to skagway, alaska, in 1992.

5. What would your reaction be if you were driving and saw an animal run into the road?
is this supposed to be a trick question?

1. What type of movies do you most often watch?
the ones that come on my tv! or, ones that I reserve from the library and wait months for. my movie viewing decreased in a big way in 1997, so I have a long list of things I want to see. some of my most recent videos borrowed are amelie, ghost world, the royal tenebaums, memento.

2. What is the last movie you've seen in a theater?
pirates of the caribbean. arrrrr!

3. Which movie(s) can you watch over and over again?
pirates of the caribbean! well, I'd like to see it again, anyhow. things I've seen again and again and still love: metropolitan, tapeheads, local hero, this is spinal tap, repo man, the blues brothers, goodfellas, fargo...

4. Are most of the movies you on buy DVD or VHS?
most - nay, ALL of the movies I've ever bought are on VHS, yes, and from yard sales or thrift stores. they include kiki's delivery service and sesame street's bedtime stories and songs.

5. Are there any movies you wouldn't be caught dead buying but just can't help watching it whenever it is shown on television? If yes, please indulge us.
I have seen "never been kissed" on tv I don't know how many times now. ditto "the wedding singer."

How old were you the first time you drove?
I was 15 the first time I drove a car. I drove a front end loader around 12.

What was your first car?
1987 nissan sentra, red.

What was the name of your first date?
artis jackson

What was your first pet?
I had a cat named Fred when I was just turned 6. she gave me cat scratch disease and was given away.

Did you ever get caught the first time you drank or smoked?
did I ever. yes to both. I was 9 when I tried smoking, and 14 when I gulped down 5 rum and cokes and humiliated myself in front of my mother and her friends.

today, for the first time in my life, I pulled weeds. for hours. amazing. I'm sore.
it's going to be a "quiet" wekend - meaning, I'm not going out for anything special, although I kind of wish I were. I'd like to go the dyke-a-dance, just for the name. okay, and the music. but I'm not going anywhere. I'll be working and cleaning and working some more, and sunday morning we'll have liam's third and final birthday celebration for the year.
it's obvious, but it's blowing me away: he's FOUR. that cherub in my bed, snoring up the place, searching feverishly for his pacifier when he wakes up around 3? he's no baby. amazing.

I cheated:

"It's Tricky" (by Run DMC)
It's Tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's
right on time
It's Tricky...it's Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky)
It's Tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's
right on time
It's Tricky...Tr tr tr tricky (Tricky)
Trrrrrrrrrrricky


Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:30 AM
so you see, I'm making progress.
I remembered early this morning (was doing the daily liam murphy 7 or 8 AM butt wipe followed by an hour and a half of me dozing and thinking, while liam wached pbs kids until nash woke at 9:30 with the declaration "arthur sucks!" to officially start our day) that I have a writing project for work that needs to be done by next week.
with my job, I have a hard time figuring out how to bill/account for my hours. I often write down as "planning" stuff that I guess fits in to that description, but literally feels more like scheming, worrying, even obsessing, generally done either while lying my bed or pacing around my office.

had to do this again... my first gave me a pairing with eminem, and I can't be having that.
I love janeane, but it has made me wince when I've been called "the janeane garofolo type" because it feels like both she and I are being put into a little box just for short, plump, funny women with dark hair - ya know?

Your Life: The Movie by mintyduck
Who will play you:	Janeane Garofalo
Who will play your love interest:	Jennifer Lopez
Weeks you will stay in the box office:	4
Song that will play during your love scene:	Eels - Restraining Order Blues
Song that will play during your death:	Black Box Recorder - Seasons in the Sun
Your name:
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

oh, but this one! yeah!

Your Life: The Movie by mintyduck
Who will play you:	Julianne Moore
Who will play your love interest:	Johnny Depp
Weeks you will stay in the box office:	20
Song that will play during your love scene:	Eels - Restraining Order Blues
Song that will play during your death:	Lynyrd Skynyrd - Freebird
Your name:
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

I'm home, after all, writing from deep inside my air conditioned fortress.
just briefly, some high points of the trip:
thai food and anime with ethan, julie, phoebe & nate in providence; a relaxing, unschoolerish environment (complete with thai leftovers and anime) at lauren's in maryland; nash's good look at mars with our physicist friend in raleigh; jill and leah's samantha being old enough to let nash and liam know when she doesn't want to be carried around like a rag doll, and their brand new isaak (okay, six months old, but new to me) falling asleep in my arms; mark reporting that 40 is so far his best year ever; tallulah gorge in the pouring rain; hours and hours with old friends at the revamped playground in candler park; dinner at the heaping bowl, brunch at bang; sticker pictures at the eastdale mall in montgomery; taking a moment to be amazed that I once considered moving to montgomery; a sky full of stars as we crossed mississippi.

and what now?
a belated birthday party for liam, who turned four on the 15th. tuning back in to work, neighborhood friends, the unschool group. hastily putting my thoughts on something for the mamaphonic book on to paper. sending out zines that were ordered while I was away. unpacking.


You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love."
You're more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


right, I need to take my first opportunity to go see captain johnny put the swish in swashbuckle again. soon.

a break from the rain, at last at last at last.
a chance to see the stars.
and, after all of that, it will be over again so soon.
sunday afternoon I'll leave western massachuestts and begin the trip home, by way of providence, baltimore, richmond, raleigh, asheville, and atlanta.
check it:

you are either a record nerd or not a scenester at
all. you are the coolest of the bunch. bravo,
dude.


what type of lame scenester are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hello from camp, world.
writing from camp feels like writing from the freaking moon or something. so, so far away.
I love that when I sign on to blogger it says, "welcome back, super."
the weather up here is finally delighting me by being the opposite of new orleans. tonight there is this mighty wind (yes, I said mighty wind) blowing, cool and strong and loud. I love it.
dig me:

Which John Cusack Are You?

free will astrology again:
I predict you will be in a hearty, even triumphant mood in the coming week, Virgo. There'll be few if any loose ends. Unfinished business will either complete itself or else reveal to you how to wrap it up simply and quickly. However, even if you have to pass through a moment or two of dark doubt, it's essential that you stay committed to your mood of hearty triumph. Please write down this poem from Tony Hoagland and carry it around in your wallet: "No matter how you feel, you have to act like you are very popular with yourself; very relaxed and purposeful, very unconfused and not like you are walking through the sunshine singing in chains."

sounds doable.
in three days time, I'm getting on an amtrak to spend thirty hours in a tiny compartment with two young children, both of whom have double ear infections. I can do this. I even have battery operated, noise making toys to help ease things.

I cut liam's hair last night, at his request. he's been asking for a month, except that he'd ask but then he'd say that he actually wanted his hair to grow as long as mine. it was well on the way! but he became more sure after the bosotn trip. maybe this has something to do with the cough drop that got stuck in his hair while we were on the road.
it's his first short hair cut. although it's still long by some people's standards. it's sort of a curly version of christopher robin. it's lovely. but I am sad for the end of his being mistaken for a girl. I think being mistaken for a girl is good for a little boy, and vice versa.
and now that I think of it, I guess nash's first short cut was around this age, almost four.
I don't have any pictures yet, of the haircut. I still have no film in my camera! the buy film item on my to do list stayed undone the whole trip, so no boston pictures, nope, none at all. I hate that.
It's pretty clear that I'm not going to LA. mbd has THREE DAYS OFF in a row! because I was going. but now I'm not. but I am taking those days, thank you! oh yes. now what will I do with them? I wish our car was in better shape so that I could just send them - the kids and their father - away for those three days. dude, that would rock.

$383.
right now the cheapest ticket to LA and back is $383.
not good enough.
which is really sad.
if I get to go, this will be my first non-working vacation in...
forever maybe?
at least since the alaska trip of 1992.
damn.

rain rain rain.
the rain is my favorite thing about today.
no, rosana rescuing me and bringing me home is my favorite thing about today.
the not so favorite things:
*I'm running on one hour of sleep.
*my eye is itching again
*it's become clear that the chances of me getting to LA next weekend are slim to none,
as flights have gone up and way, way beyond my $200 budget.

dash it all.
the kids are doing me the great favor of silently watching the wizard of oz
and eating graham crackers.
bless cable tv and graham crackers.
I am fiddling around online to keep myself from dozing off.
but oh!
Liam just fell asleep. merciful heavens, yes!

just today, we got home.
it's overwhelming.
I still haven't read my mail, there is a stack of it.
the kids are very happy to be back in their own space - we all are. they've made themselves a nest of pillows and blankets and are being very sweet to each other while watching pbs kids. I guess we'll go to the fireworks... considering that we only have to walk a few yards to get to the choice seats, why wouldn't we? oh right, because of mosquitoes...
it was a rough trip home. liam was sick. he puked all over himself day before yesterday, driving through pennsylvania. more on that later. It will take me a while to decompress before I can review the trip, the conference, everything. I am drinking a bass ale in my pyjamas. hair pulled back, glasses on. I'm soaking up the air conditioning and eating chocolate.

from tracijean:

1. I am happiest when: I am well rested and in the middle of a good book
2. I feel lonely when: I want to talk to someone and everyone I call and/or run into is busy, busy, busy. this happened tome big time on my first day in boston.
3. The ideal relationship would be: I have no idea!
4. Favorite movie(s): local hero, tapeheads, lone star
5. Favorite author: jd salinger, martha grimes, margaret atwood
6. What makes you cry: anything that touches me, really. and laughing painfully hard.
7. Introvert or extrovert: ex ex baby
8. Do you think too much: is there anyone who answers no? no.
9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be: I love living here in new orleans but I'd like a better/bigger house... and I'd like to try another conuntry sometime.
10. A famous person you would like to meet: famous people make me nervous. I wish I could be all Yoko Ono and meet someone tremendous without even realizing that they're a superstar... as it is, when it happens I'm tongue-tied and stupid.
11. Do you believe in organized religion: believe in it? its existence is irrefutable... at age 13 I woulda said no, but as it is, I am proud to be a unitarian universalist, and, without organization, we wouldn't be able to walk the walk.
12. Pro-life or pro-choice: choice
13. Are you a vegetarian: naw
14. Do you support the death penalty: naw
15. Do angels or demons exist: i don't care!
16. What would you most like to be doing right now: eating a large order of thai food which includes spring rolls, tom kar gai, and a tall thai iced tea. this would be consumed to the background of noise of kind hearted children playing cooperatively with one another.
17. Do you have any regrets: of course
18. Sex or love: is the premise here that one can't have both? or are we supposed to be prioritizing?
19. Favorite coffee: iced mocha, soy milk, whipped cream
20. Brand of cigarettes: uh, cough, hack, wheeze...
21. Favorite scent: vanilla, cookies baking, lavender... no incense.
22. What REALLY makes you mad: rampant clueless classism amongst new age liberals
23. Favorite way to waste time: this is it
26. What is your best quality: is anyone qualified to answer this?
27. Are you currently in love/lust: prepetually, but only mildly.
28. What's the craziest thing you have ever done: the time in 1997 when I was pretending to be alice goldfarb in order to rent videos certainly made me feel crazy. I didn't have her card, but she said it'd be okay. I said I didn't have it and couldn't recall the number, and they asked for ID. I said I'd forgotten my wallet. they asked for my social scurity number. I said I didn't have it memorized. they asked for my birthdate. I thought I might pass out from embarrassment. I said, "I'm lying! I'm sorry!"
30. Any bad habits: yes. procrastination is at the top of the list (although my fast food habits are probably doing me way more harm than any deadline missing ever could).
31. Do you find it hard to trust people: yes and no, sometimes, sort of, sure
32. Do you ever doubt yourself: of course.
33. Last book you read: I'm in the middle of Savage Inequalities by Jonathon Kozol and The Blood Doctor by Barbara Vine
34. Last thing you bought for yourself: lemme think. yesterday, we were still on the road. I guess the last thing was that cheeseburger with a dr. pepper at wendy's in montgomery, alabama.
35. Bath or shower: I like a long, sweaty bath followed by a quick shower. I like to read in the bathtub.
36. Favorite season: fall and spring when it gets crisp. sweater weather.
37. Porn or erotica: porn doesn't interest me, although the porn reviews in the bust magazine sex issue sure did.
38. What is your favorite flavor: basil
39. What is your favorite time of day: night
40. Gold or silver: silver.
41. What is the lamest pickup line someone has used on you: "so, are you what they call alternative?"
a close second: "are you italian?" (uttered while staring at my unshaved armpits)
42. Silk sheets or cotton: I don't think I've ever slept on silk sheets
43. Any secret crushes: all the time
44. Do you ever feel you are insane: there are moments
45. Favorite style of music: style schmyle.
46. Favorite film genre: dark comedy
47. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, would you do it: I guess, why not?
48. What do you desire most in life: joy, freedom, health
49. Do you believe in destiny: you're my density!

but my goodness, look at this week's, from free will astrology:

The World Health Organization says that a good diet should consist of no more than 10 percent sugar. Lobbyists for the sugar industry disagree. They maintain that you'll be fine as long as no more than 25 percent of your food and drink contains their favorite product. In regards to your current needs, Virgo, I disagree with both assessments. Since you're in a phase when you need to toughen up, strengthen your will, and think leaner and meaner, I believe you should temporarily limit your sugar intake to 3 percent or less.

well yesterday took a real dive when I got hit by a two ton migraine. it was unreal. unreally awful. the blinding pain prevented me from noticing that my sinus situation is much improved.
today I feel good. only slightly sneezy. no eye watering attacks today, or yesterday.
still no luck finding a plane ticket to LA for $200 or less. I looked at expedia. I guess I can only keep looking.
I need babysitting for evening programs in boston and I don't know where I'll get it. saturday night is howard zinn, I don't think he'll appreciate liam interrupting him with loud assertions about how he doesn't want be there. sunday night is julian bond. friday night is dan savage. I need babysitting, dammit.
last night ethan made a wicked pad thai. I have been eating more healthily in this house than I have anyplace outside of camp for years and years. it's nice. although I'd say a big juicy hello to a cheeseburger right now.
sarah came over and took me grocery shopping. you know your migraine is bad when a 9 months pregnant toddler mama feels sorry for you. we replenished the stuff we've been super-consuming and got some pricey treats like cheese puffs, samantha juice shakes, that sort of thing.
tonight we're going to kristina's for a potluck-pool thing, nice. not that I'll be swimming, but the kids will love to. I think.
I think I am pretty much well. I look well. I was looking rough while we were on the road. no time to work conditioner through my hair, so it was a mass of tangles covered over by a mass of frizz. now it's lubed up and my skin looks a lot better, too.

I need to get back to looking for a ticket. but look, this is ridiculous:



Typical Lesbian:
You are basically the poster child for lesbianism.
You're kind of a tomboy, but you have your
femme tendencies. Youre a "happy
fellagirlie"!


What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

greetings from providence. it's "hot" (meaning, nothing like home, but not cold).
today the kids reverted to their normal schedules all of a sudden: liam up at 7 AM eastern time, nash up at 9:30. I was hoping the time zone change induced snoozing til 10 would last.
now that I finally got through all of my camp email, the muppet movie is over and I have no time to write lest liam destroy ethan & julie's home.
I hope I'll hang out with sarah & kristina today. I need to buy groceries. we've drunk up all the soy milk, eaten all the cheerios...
my sinuses have been killing me. so far, today is a little better, maybe thanks to the coldcalm stuff, I hope so, I hope for anything that will help without making me crazy.
I don't feel guilty about letting the kids watch a lot of videos while we're here, because liam is pretty homesick and familiar movies seem to help. he's acting out pretty badly. so, I do feel guilty for disrupting his life with this trip, but I don't feel guilty for letting him watch movies...
they've watch totoro the past two nights, and yesterday afternoon we watched spirited away.
we're all needing baths this morning, so that's my goal to accomplish before noon. uh oh, it's 11:51 and I'm still grubby.
the trip, the trip is a story for later. to sum it up, (delightfully) cold weather and bad food. rushed and stressful and bah. I love road trips. a bad road trip insults my very soul. I mean it.

the zine layout is something in the neighborhood of 95% finished. Nash came in and brightly said, "making another calendar?"
hah.
last time I did the zine, he said he wanted to make one, too, and asked for paper. he folded it into a book, but wasn't interested in writing or drawing on it. interesting.
I remain ridiculously sneezy.

have to do this one again...

Where is my Mind?

You're smart, shy, and often nonsensical. You have dreams of being famous, and you're quirky enough that you just might pull them off. Some would call you a genius, others would call you insane, but in reality you're pretty well-adjusted. Take a vacation once in a while- it'll help take your mind off of your troubles.

Which Pixies song are you?

no change in a year.
is it sad that my most pressing quiz is the pixies song thing?
another rainy-sunny-hot day in paradise.
five days til I head for new england.
I'm debating taking nash to see finding nemo, if I find the time, that is.
he and liam are building a world for themselves in the event that they accidentally get shrunk a la george shrinks. hey, anything can happen. I don't believe that, but they do.
my next few days are all about details, like getting more packages of contact lenses, mailing back the non-fitting clothing (apparently made for hipless, breastless girls) to delia's, sending in my mama gathering registration, finishing up issue #5 of my zine, getting all of the pre-school curricula stored away at work, and more, more, more.
some key trip things are getting some books on tape for the kids and some jonathon kozol books for myself. I want read some of his work before I see him.
and for the record: still sneezy.

still sneezy here, even before I spent a half hour up to my elbows in soap, ground herbs and essential oils. it's the patchouli that really gets to me - I don't know how anyone can stand the stuff. even more baffling is that I myself was a big patchouli wearer from 1989-90. gross, man, that's just gross.
but whatever. I'm off to a little show today, upstairs at fair grinds coffeehouse, and then for some high quality hanging out with friends.
nobody will be even a little bit surprised that I am the sissy kind of pirate. arrrr. don't hurt me.

You are The Cabin Boy

You, me lad, are an activist! You will not only change the world, you will make a dyed-in-the-wool Pirate dream of you in a sheep costume. You are the embodiment of the love that dare not hoist its sail! Ahoy thar! You could make a two-patch Pirate turn his head - but then he would lose sleep over it and what good would that do anyone? An innovator, you are WAY ahead of your time - and everyone else's. You are sensitive and artsy-fartsy. You say things like, "artsy-fartsy" but there is always a slight giggle in your voice when you say it - like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares delivering a staggering punch line. Speaking of "punching" the only "punching" you would do is punching up that outfit with some accessories - say, a little bandana and some glass beads. You're not the Pirate we want in a fight, but we want you there for the crying game that follows! You go, girl.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

I have a cold. it's bad, very sneezy, sore throat, fever, weird, burning eyes. it's been a rough week, so far. a number of disappointments. nine days til boston, and so much to do. no time to be sick, but here I am. at least it's raining. that feels right.

I was sitting there at the playground, congratulating myself on a whole month free from migraines, when I noticed my eye felt a little dry, so I reached into my bag, pulled out a small, white bottle and filled my right eye with...
ear drops.
yeah, it really smarts. grapefruit seed extract and glycerine were not meant to be in my eye. it's raw and puffy, and I'm stuffed up from the constant tearing.
I need to stop carrying the ear drops around with me.
rosana and I went to the mall today for lingerie and it was so damn fun. forget victoria's secret, man, I am all about marshall's from now on. not that I bought anything today, but next time, that's where I'll go.
I need to work on on the zine I need to work on the zine I NEED to WORK on the ZINE.
but I made two new dolls instead! heh. a night owl doll and a dressed for going to the movies doll. I wish they had pyjamas like mine own. I wish they had one with blue flannel men's pj bottoms and a faded black aerosmith shirt from 1989... or flowery boxers and a holey pink REM shirt from 1987... or a shorty set with little fruity cocktail illustrations all over it...

the intense right-on-ness of the free will astrology site is frightening me:

"Nothing worse could happen to one than to be completely understood." So said pioneer psychologist Carl Jung. If you think what he said is true, you should take action immediately, because you're in imminent danger of being well understood by at least two people. If on the other hand you're confident you can handle the odd sensation of being seen for exactly who you are, do nothing other than what you're already doing.

here's to the angstiest.


You are Lindsay. Navigating your 80's high school
is hard. Never popular, you opt for freakdom
over geekdom. Still, you hope an end is in
sight -- never really comfortable in either
role, you live life to the angstiest and know
that better days will come.


Which full-of-angst female TV teen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

tonight, right now maybe, X is (are?) playing at the shim-sham, and me, well, I am clearly not there. I have to voice my annoyance and disappointment over that, but let me be clear: things in general are good.

how thrilling and amazing and just plain good it is to see that suess had her baby already!

yesterday we went to the zoo with the kids from church, and it was good, hot, exhausting, wet. my children are really only interested in splashing at monkey hill right now, and then getting something cold and sweet.
liam said something to me about peeing in the water, and we had a weird little conversation, but I thought it was just a spin-off from all the uptight parents who would walk past telling their kids, no, no, that water's not for swimming in, it's SO DIRTY... and one mom did loudly call it "pee pee water" as she dragged her little monsters away. so the next thing I know, liam is perched high upon a rock, peeing like a freaking statue, you know?
other than that he and his brother were pretty civilized and had a nice time. it's lush and gorgeous, but I miss the atlanta zoo, honestly. in spite of the total lack of splashing available there. I miss the gorillas and the ben & jerry's, the playground and the cheap-but-lovely carousel, and being able to walk there and go to the deli afterwards. but the deli is gone for good and it's likely that I could never afford to live in cabbagetown or grant park again anyway, not anytime soon, and I'm just angsty, I want my 1997 back, I want to do a better job of it, enjoy it more. you can keep 1998 and most of 99.
for weeks now I've been working on writing down my 1990s. it's hard. it hurts.

I feel like it was maybe 3 years ago that I took this test before... and I took all those other spark tests, too, late into the swinging moss point, mississippi night. and some people I know were happy to see me officially called a politician (although is it the writing it down that makes it official?). in spark.com terms, my old friend/nemesis were exactly the same, and I was declared 100% compatible with someone I wasn't really on speaking terms with at the time.
but this little test: they've changed it. it's disturbing. but, I mean, I think it's kind of better. it's nice to be disturbed. and yet my score is pretty much the same.
the graphic isn't working for me, but let it be known, the spark says I'm 53% slut. and they didn't ask the things I would ask... well, not all of them.

I have so much written work to finish in the next ten hours I can barely breathe. so I've gone to small hands to get caught up on the wordy quizzes. idiot quizzes are good for short term procrastination, and you know I love the pictures, but it's the wordy ones that really get me.

This or That

1. Do you prefer silence or do you like background sound (music, TV, etc)?
well, I mean, for what? it depends. I usually want music.
if I'm writing intensely, then I don't notice or care, but for working with the kids, or on the house, or something otherwise hands-on, I need music. for doing lay-out, I want music or tv. last time I did the mama calendar, I was watching grace under fire at 5 in the morning and it was awesome. the first calendar I made to the repeated playings of red, hot & blue. the last zine got laid out to the background noise of tapeheads, then eat drink man woman.

2. Bathe/shower in morning or evening?
what I used to do: shower in the morning, bathe in the evening. but in this house, showers are often mysteriously unsatisfactory temperature-wise, so I take baths almost all the time. short, unsatisfying baths, but at least they're free of sudden, radical temperature changes.

3. Sleeping in complete darkness, or with a nightlight on?
darkness, but there is light coming up from the stairwell.

4. Lay out clothes the night before, or just grab what's closest in the morning?
grab what is in on the top of the pile... although for sunday mornings I often do pick something out ahead of time, and for certain things I fret about an outfit for days... weeks...

5. Hang up/fold clothes neatly, or just toss them wherever?
both. well, not wherever, there is a pile. there are a few piles.

6. Work out at a gym, or at home on your own (or do you not bother with exercise)?
work out. that's funny.
I do a lot of walking on my own, and with the kids. sometimes some yoga. at home. I miss having a yoga class.

7. Talk on the phone, or via IM/e-mail?
for something brief and specific, it's email, but I love actually talking to a person that I know. you know? when an old friend asks me via email what I've been up to I feel blank. I want them to hear me. I want to hear them. etc.

8. Are you usually on time, or late?
usually? I think that really, usually, I am on time. but it drives me insane when I'm late.

9. Spendthrift or frugal?
neither, although I'm sure the frguality movement people would call me spendy.

Weekly Wrap-Up #51 - Planes, Trains & Automobiles

1. What's your favorite method of travel? Why?
road trip with someone else driving. because there's so much to see. because it takes forever in a really good way, drawing it out, making it last. I like stumbling into roadside diners and stretching out at rest areas, finding cheesy radio stations late at night. I love cheap motels.

I also love the train. so much to see, and from odd angles, it's fascinating.

2. What's the longest road trip you've ever taken? Where?
from atlanta, georgia to skagway, alaska in the summer of 1992. and back.

3. How many plane trips have you taken in your life?
wow, so many!
two as a young child, one at 12, two at 15, and then approximately 6 a year from ages 16-28...
and only six total since nash was born in 1997.

4. What method of travel do you fear so much or intensely dislike that you avoid it? Why?
well, fear, that would be if I had to do the driving. I'd fear that big time and I do avoid it.
I have taken the bus a LOT of times, mostly all over florida and massachusetts in my teens but sometimes as far as atlanta to fort myers, or sarasota to dc... I'd prefer not take the bus ever again, and certainly hate the thought of having to take it with the kids.

5. Describe the worst travel experience you've ever had.
any of the trips that involved broken cars, or vomiting. I have never been carsick myself, but have done some road time with folks who are... eeech.
how about that short but painful plane ride between blacksburg and charlotte, when every single passenger but me was puking their guts up? and I was getting close. not becuase of airsickness (never), but because of all the rest of them, the small, enclosed space, the smell... yeah, that was really bad.

and last week's:

Weekly Wrap Up

1. What was your favorite book as a child? Why?
I read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass repeatedly... also the Little House Books many times, and Harriet the Spy, Treasure Island, everything by E.L . Konigsberg, I was always reading.
but when I was very little, my favorite book was Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book.

2. How often did you read as a child? Describe your preferred reading area or situation.
I was always reading. anywhere, anytime.

3. What children's literature series did you read when you were younger? Why?
The Little House books, the Chronicles of Narnia, The Five Little Peppers, The Great Brain, the Bagthorpe books, all of Tolkein... why, because they're engaging and suspenseful and fun and cool.

4. Do you still read children's literature? Why or why not?
I read to my children every day, but also, I am still a sucker for smart kids getting up to mischief. I have read John Bellairs and JK Rowling in the past few years for my own enjoyment.

5. What children's book would you recommend for a child's library? Why?

the Little Bear books are perfect for very young children, as well as Goodnight Moon, and More, More, More Says the Baby. I can't imagine a kid's house without Hop on Pop. I love If You Give a Pig a Pancake and all the rest of Numeroff's books. every 10 year old should have Harriet the Spy.

3 For Thursday

1. What are your 3 favorite current TV shows?
does current mean that I currently see them sometimes?
zoboomofoo
square pegs (saturdays at midnight)
what not to wear

but if I had access to frank's place, my so called life and/or freaks & geeks, I'd be there. and though I never watch it anymore, I love roseanne, especially that period with tons of sandra bernhardt, and the one when roseanne's father dies, and the dope smoking episode, oh my god, it was brilliant. I just pretend the final season didn't happen.

2. What are your 3 favorite shows from your childhood?
scooby doo
sonny & cher
the rockford files

3. What are your 3 favorite TV/movie/fictional characters?
Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird
Melrose Plant from Martha Grimes' Richard Jury mysteries
eh? I guess favorite characters are not my thing.

4. What are your 3 favorite movies of all time? Movies you can sit and watch over and over.
tapeheads
local hero
metropolitan

5. What are your 3 favorite books?
Crime & Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Rubyfruit Jungle - Rita Mae Brown
Son of the Circus - John Irving

I still don't know whether I'll really make it to LA this july, but look, look at this.

this is from december, but I only just got it scanned.
oooooh, aaahhhhh.
I can't get over how short nash's hair was.

today I want to go back twenty years and tell John Holt all my troubles.

"I wish I had a dollar for every ... defender of the schools who talks about Real Life; it's almost never the fascinating courses, or the challenging teachers - their only concern [is] that home-schooled children will miss the "social life" of schools. And when I point out that for the most part
the social life of schools is mean-spirited, selfish, snobbish,
conformist, ruthless, cold-hearted and often downright cruel and violent, nobody disagrees. "That's Real Life.'" they say, ... "[y]ou have to prepare children for the real world. How else are they ever going to get along with
others?" Notice that they don't mean others who treat each other with kindness and dignity; they can't seem to conceive of that ..."
John Holt

I've been asked for suess's black bean cake recipe. it looks like I lost my hip mama recipe files in the last complete computer breakdown, so I'm typing it out for you:

3/4 pound dried black beans, washed, picked over, and soaked for 12 hours in 2 quarts of water, or canned (I use canned)
2 tablespoons salt (I use less)
1/2 cup minced onion
1 tablespoon fresh chopped basil
1 tablespoon minced jalapeno
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1/4 cup all purpose flour (I use a little more)
4 tablespoons safflower oil for frying (I use olive)

drain beans and transfer to a large bowl. add other ingredients, except oil. mash together to make a lumpy paste (suess uses her hands, I use a potato masher).
shape in to balls, then flatten to 3" in diameter.
place in hot skillet with 2 T of oil and fry about 4 minutes on each side, til golden brown. then transfer to baking sheet and bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes (I just realized that I missed this step). serve with lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, avacadoes, anything you like, and dressing. you can top them with sour cream or yogurt and chives, salsa, whatever. suess recommends mango salsa. I have them with just the dressing.

the dressing:

2 tablespoons cider vinegar
2 tablespoons key lime juice (or just ordinary lime)
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black peppercorns
3/4 cup safflower oil
salt to taste

whisk together all but the oil and salt. add the oil in a slow, steady stream while whisking til incorporated. season with salt. cover tightly and set aside at room temperature until needed.

I should be over the poem generator, but, but, but:

supercenter a dr. pepper
and work... okay,
what
super coleen 6:15 PM [+] :: ... :: This quiz. yet.

have you seen the episode of arthur in which buster decides he's amish? pretty surreal. but it doesn't compare to the one with art garfunkel as the singing moose, narrating via perky jingles the time when buster comes back from his trip around the world and awkwardness ensues... which is just as good as the arthur holiday special when muffy gets irked at francine for missing her party and then realizes that it was all because of hannukkah (rather than an intentional snub, you see) and so muffy comes over to apologize and her dad gives francine's dad a ham.
well anyhow, I'm pointlessly angsty and have that ticklish throat sneezy thing going on and was struggling to find something to do with myself beyond you know, working, so I decided to cook. I made suess's black bean cakes because I felt that all the mincing and mashing would do me good, and besides, for once I had all the ingredients. we're never out of black beans, but it's rare to find fresh basil and jalapenos just when I need them. they're a little more spicy than last time.... which was, lemme see, during mardi gras, right before matt & elizabeth got here. I love them. the kids hate them. more for me.
buster's mom: "sweetie, do you have to be completely amish? couldn't you be just a little bit amish?"